I do agree that maybe this post is better suited for /r/depression but I will give you my take. I think a lot of us have used mj to escape and mask our despression but the biggest fault here is that nothing is changed in the end.
It's just so hard to describe how I feel. On the surface it probably looks like I have the perfect life. I have a great job, a loving fiancee, a stable home life, food, shelter, everything a person needs to be happy. Life isn't perfect for anyone but I really don't have anything to complain about. Problem is, I've been keeping my depression (and related issues) at bay for a decade with my various addictions, but weed has always been there to "help".
You write that you have such a perfect life but you did not really go into any details on why you are feeling down. What exactly about your life are you so down about? What is so bad in your life that you think it will be better without you in it? I am not trying to be mean but I really want to know. Your life on the surface seems better than so many people out there. I think a lot of people have some sort of reason why they get depressed, whether it is some sort of shame, inadequacy, abuse, loneliness, disability, helplessness, anguish, or even mental issues.
Years ago before I stumbled onto leaves and finding a way out of my depression, I was constantly battling thoughts of suicide.
Suicide--however you justify it, is an incredibly selfish act. The amount of pain you will inflict on the people around you and that care about you is unfathomable. You have a fiancee but you will understand this thought once you have kids of your own. For me, depression happened when I became unemployed with no direction in life yet. As years went by and those I went to school with became successful, it only made it harder. That feeling of hopelessness is something I wish on nobody. I felt I had let everyone down and by taking my life, I would someone be free from this pain. Life is funny sometimes and people live it out in so many different ways. People expect so much out of life but it is really what each of us make it. Whether it is to toil away at a 9-5 job all your life to find enjoyment in solo tv dinners, or to start a family, to make someone else's dreams come true, make your parents happy, etc. etc. etc.
My suggestion is to really assess your depression. Seek professional help and guidance because I am obviously not one. However, I have been there and masking your problems with mj will not do you any good in the end. That demon is still waiting for you... hes just stoned. It took me an incredible journey to get to where I am now, but like you said, life is never perfect. I firmly believe you need find what is making you suicidal. This is not a weed thread, this is a depression thread and that makes it all the more complicated.