[1028] Black Ice

Thought throughout: You are using too many cliches. "This was what was causing everyone in the room to run around like chickens with their heads cut off." This is just lazy. Also, it sounds like your are trying to be funny or witty or something to that effect. The syntax there could have been handled far differently to make it seem more authentic and not like it was being told by a 8 year old. Also, when the general comes in, the use of the word "sonny" was far too stereotypical. It didn't seem realistic in that scenario. You use "sonny" to characterize what a grandfather would say, not an intimidating general. Also, the storyline, as told, was just not that interesting. You made the alarm sound like the sun was going to melt the Earth, but nothing really happened with it. You should have explored more of the mystery of why the sun was sending off "targeted" radiation instead of playing it off as just a wonder of the cosmos. If this is a superhero novel, make some sort of reference or acknowledgement in the prologue, where you are initially trying to capture the audience's attention. I tend to not like prologues generally because if a writer can't make the audience want to read the story within the first chapter, it's usually not a good writer. The prose was also lacking in much fulfilled description. It felt too simplistic for serious literature. Anton Chekhov said, "Don’t Tell Me the Moon Is Shining; Show Me the Glint of Light on Broken Glass". Your writing tended to be completely the former. The best descriptive phrase was about the general's hair being a "...dying grey". Overall, the writing was uninteresting and lazy. I would suggest making the premise more pressing or change the prologue to something pertinent.

/r/DestructiveReaders Thread