[1032] Astral Projection-Working title

Critique

Here we go! Most of your problems I highlighted in the line edits, so I’ll just briefly touch on everything a little more here.

Prose

Everything you wrote is super purple. You use so many adjectives and adverbs that just don’t belong. It seems like you tried to pick the very best word, in your mind, every time, rather than considering what made sense in context. It also seems like you got lost in that purple word choosing a lot, and so your sentences would start to get off track, and by the end you’d have a two-line vomit of random thesaurus words and no coherence.

When you write, and go back and edit, make sure the words make sense in the sentence and the story, not just that they sound pretty. I’m pretty sure you didn’t edit any of this yet, which is fine, but when you do go back read it all out loud a couple of times and see what I’m talking about.

George Orwell wrote an excellent essay on prose I think you should read. He talks about the absurdity of using big words just to sound smart, and how pretentious language often just ends up being pretentious, not sophisticated.

Characters

Make sure to create a concrete character with specific motivations, objectives, traits, and personalities for each one of your characters, and stick to those characterizations in your writing. You deviate a lot in Joel’s character at the end, and to the reader it seems like he went absolutely insane.

Dialogue

Make it believable. I didn’t buy most of what you wrote down. Everything is so awkward and forced. Make it natural, make it sound real.

When you’re talking to someone, make some mental notes about the nuances of conversation. When you watch TV, listen to the interactions and watch how different physical movements correspond to the emotions they are relaying in their speech. When you read, focus on how professional authors create dialogue. All of this will help you be a better writer.

Plot

I actually love this idea for a story. I love dreaming, and the lucidity of my dreams is my favorite thing in the world. I love the feeling of awe and wonder you get from dreams. Expand on this in your story. Talk about some of his dreams with Janette. Get creative! This is where you can put aside the textbook writing and really let your own voice and style shine, so go all out!

Conclusion

Overall I think you have a fantastic idea for a story, you just need the execution. I can tell the mechanics are there, you have lots of descriptors, and your plot flows well. You just need to go back and edit your work. Cut the fat and add some substance.

Thanks for letting me read, and good luck with your story! I love the premise and I hope you’ll post another chapter again soon!

/r/DestructiveReaders Thread Parent