Oh yes of course, I agree with all your points and trust me - I'm actually at fault for seeing myself as just a sick girl than as a girl with c.f. CF has a huge hold on me and my whole life for sure and I'm not in denial about that. I think I chose my words wrong so I'll try to rephrase. Setbacks wasn't the right word, more like unpredictable things. What I mean is that I can deal relatively ok (because what choice do we have?) with all the c.f. things I already have - the coughing, the treatments, the oxygen etc. And since my condition is stable things dont change much which is good. What I am pretty bad at is dealing with unpredictability when it comes to my illness. For example I'm almost sure that if I suddenly became pancreatic insufficient or got diabetes I would completely break down because I don't feel I have it in me to deal with MORE from a psychological standpoint. And I know the tendency here is to say "sure you'd deal with it because you'd adapt and you'd have no choice", which might be true, but I know myself and my mental health and I know what knocks me down. 4 years ago I was evaluated for transplant (not because I needed it because I'm too stable but it was because my doctor lost 2 females with c.f. within a year and he didn't see it coming at all so he got extra cautious and decided to evaluate everyone in their 30s just in case they suffered a super rapid decline like the other 2 girls). I totally had a breakdown over that. I couldn't handle it. I did the evaluation (which ended up being quite easy physically speaking) but I had to start taking anti depressants because I became suicidal. I'm in a much better place today and have stopped the anti depressants because I feel good and happy again but it's because everything has been pretty stable and uneventful. So that's what I meant. The possibility that so many things can go wrong along with the constant fear of rejection etc etc really make me not want it on a rational level. But deep down I know I'll want it because it'll either be that or death and I'll probably choose to live. It's just something that terrifies me. And I deliberately avoid looking up things about it or reading about it because everything is super scary for what I can handle.