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He got me addicted to Xanax, coke, and all around it was just a terrible situation. It still is, it hasn’t stopped lol.
I’m 17 now; he’s 24. He graduated w my brother; my dad FUCKING COACHED HIM IN LITTLE LEAGUE. Anyways, I met him for the first time when I was 15, but it was brief & I didn’t actually hangout with him for another year. We started hanging out exactly a year ago today. He knew my age.
October 23rd, 2020. He gave me Xanax that first night (i wanted to take it), and I remember pieces of what happened after, but basically my two girl friends and some other guy went home and I ended up spending the night. We watched How to Lose A Guy in 10 days, that’s the last thing i remember. the next morning, he ate me out, I was still pretty high, but he did ask. Then he drove me home.
Almost every single weekend after that, I told my parents I was going to my friend “Ava”’s house and slept over at this man’s house. In his dirty crusty ass sectional couch. And he always had SO many bars of xans, like 50-100 in one bag every week. We’d do the xans, he’d take me on a car ride to go buy coke, make out a little, and go into his hot tub, then sleep in his bed. He’d tell me how badly he wanted to fuck me and how I’m “just different” and that he loved me. In October 2020 1/4 of a bar would fuck me up. Then it went to half’s, and by February 2021 I was taking full bars at a time, multiple.
In December, he got us a perc30 for Christmas. My grades were shit. I looked like shit, ate like shit, I was a mess. and I’d like to say that anyone around me noticed, but the truth is, nobody had a fucking clue!! Literally nobody knew what was going on. For Valentine’s Day, he took me to a literal meth house, where we bought ecstasy. that night we had sex. I try not to think about it. I know I consented every time something like this happened, but I can’t shake the fact that there’s still a huge power imbalance there. He’s a grown ass man with a 9-5 job, way bigger than me, already has a tolerance to all of these things and 6 years older than me! While I’m in high school! I knew what i was doing was bad but he was the adult. i was a minor, and he fed me Xanax and coke and then we’d hook up.
I don’t wanna use the word rape, I don’t think it was. I don’t know what i should call it. I was groomed? He shouldn’t have kept inviting me over. Sometimes he’d get super drunk and call me in the middle of the night asking me to sneak out because he “wants me to sleep in his bed tonight”. I don’t know how many times we had sex, but it happened several times, as far as I know. The first time we did was on Valentines Day, i only know this bc he casually said something about it the next morning. I didn’t remember it happening until he said something, then flashes of memory came back.
In the span of this past year I blacked out while at his house maybe 3 times. I’ve seen probably every movie on Netflix and I don’t remember a single one. Every time I have to think about us having sex I just want to cry. After every time, I went to the bathroom and threw up. He made me feel so icky. He’d send paragraphs to me about how he loved me and cared so much, and then he’d go weeks without saying anything to me. It was so confusing; it’s STILL CONFUSING!
I only just blocked him like 5 hours ago! He gave me Xans last weekend, I did a full bar last night. I hadn’t done Xanax since March. I had been so proud of making myself quit too. He started kissing me and then fingering me rather aggressively and then he ate me out (insane how parallel it was to the first night.) then he texted the same bs he always did, how he wished i could’ve spent the night and how he had missed me. Next day, turns out the mf gave me a UTI with his grimy ass hands. He didn’t text me again. Me being me I dropped by his place to make sure he hadn’t OD’d or something, because that’s a legitimate possibility, plus he always drives drunk. He acted all weird, I dropped something of his off and left.
Was that crazy? He is so emotionally confusing. He makes me so unhinged. i wanna be done with him. I don’t wanna say that I did this for more than a year. He makes me feel disgusting, and I’m not even the first girl, either. Another girl came forward, apparently his senior year of high school he got her drunk and had sex with her when she was 13/14. I feel so dumb. Why do I care about him? Obviously it was the free drugs. But what now?