You know, to be honest, I'm really just thinking of ending it all. It would be much easier than living a life where I'm already so fucked up in the head to even think about having a successful life. I want to get better, and try to get better, but it never works. I just want to be left alone. I dont even think my one friend is even my friend. I barely talk to him. I really dont care though. I dont even know if my parents care. Maybe I'm just an attention whore. Idk.
I am a mad person, as in I really only am happy during the times I am distracted from the fact that i'm useless on this planet. Useless to society. I'm lazy. I am self centered. I'm selfish. I am a social freak. I have done things that I regret. I don't think I will ever come to peace with my past, or present. The best thing I could possibly do is kill myself. Idk anymore. It burns so much when I cry, and that just add to the fact that I cant even take care of myself. I get scared at the stupidest things like getting eyelashes in my eye. I cant even stop messing with my eyes because it always feels like there is something in them. I am a chronic masturbator. Not even a day goes by without me doing it. I feel like a fucking creep. It is hurting me. All at the nice young age of 18.
At this point, I don't think I will ever be able to get better. Maybe I can. Maybe im just in a downward spiral. Idk. Maybe I will get better. Idk. Its scary. Id be okay with dying right now. Quick and painless. But, I dont ever think I would have the strength to end it. Idk. I really just dont care anymore.
I dont even love my own family. In fact, I think my mom is a piece of shit, my sister is a piece of shit, and my brother is a piece of shit, when in reality, I'm the piece of shit. Im always angry. I get angry at something like someone leaving dishes in the sink. Idc. It doesnt matter anymore. At this point this post is pointless. Ill never get better because there will always be someone somewhere out there with something to bring me right back down to the place I am right now, and that is me, or someone I went to school with.
Idc anymore. There just isn't any point of continuing. Hey God, if you are real and use reddit, kill me. Please.