Okay, So first off I don't believe in god because i read the bible, I don't believe in god because I think it's logical ( Apart from the big bang, that's an eye raiser for a god -- Some say were putting god in the gaps but I can just look at that and think wtf? Nothing made us doesn't really make sense i suppose, I'm no scientist though) I don't believe in god because I can't face the thought of dying and never being conscious In fact, I kinda wish that sin wasn't so bad lmao.. Not being allowed to lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, all that sucks. But, I'm here because I had an experience that I can't reject or repress. I've come to a conclusion there must be a god...Not logically however, it's really more of an experience. I was raised in an atheist household, never pressured to believe in one thing or another. My first introduction to Jesus was with my grandmother who was the nicest lady I've ever known, She literally bankrupt her own business to help the needy. I don't know a single person that would ever do that besides her. She's dead now Rip god bless her soul. When I was about 5 She told me I had to accept Christ into my heart, I told her I wanted Spiderman in my heart (Who didn't love spiderman?) She told me that wasn't an option so i decided Jesus was the runner up and Spiderman wasn't gonna get in my heart, so Jesus won. She took me to a youth sunday school afterwards and they told us stories and stuff, but they gave us toys when we walked in and I had ADHD. So I kind of just played with my toys on my lap, didn't learn a thing. I told her that church was boring and I didn't want to go, and she didn't force me.
I believed in god at that point in my life only because I thought it was accepted and never heard of anyone who admitted to not believing in god (This was like 2002 - 2005) When I got into 5th Grade I watched Dane Cook ALOT who was christian, but he had a skit about a snobby atheist man. This blew my mind as I had NO clue not believing in god was an option. At this point I decided that I didn't believe in god and made fun of my christian friends for the luls.
I was very content with the idea as i had not read into any religions, only heard briefly about Jesus. I grew up with an attraction to drugs and went with the philosophy that "I will try everything at least once" So by 13 I was smoking weed and enjoying it a lot. Being an atheist pretty much allows the individual to choose the meaning of life, So I decided the meaning of life was "Get high til I die" or "H.I.E Til I D.I.E" I was a raging alcoholic too. If there was liquor / wine / beer in the house I was drinking it.
I basically grew up with a hole in my life that I filled with drugs I was plastered / blasted as often as possible
When I turned 18 years old I went on a road trip and did a bunch of dabs on this road trip and it turned out to be really traumatic, It's very personal what happened but I gotta say, It was rough lmao (THE trauma had nothing to do with a bad trip, I was just high at the time). This changed my brain big time. I was a completely normal fun-loving dude before-hand but this just ruined me. For months i developed worse and worse mental conditions because of this trauma. It started out as paranoia. I had MAJOR Paranoia Personality Disorder. I was checking my house when I woke up looking for intruders and checking under my truck for bombs. We're talking gang stalking status. I felt like the mob had a hit on me. This led to General Anxiety which eventually lead to Panic attacks. I had agoraphobia (Fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment. - Google) I refused to go to my Real Estate Classes because I would get Paranoid and have a panic attack in class. I got PTSD due to the event - I would wake up and I'd feel like I was there, or in serious danger, If I even thought about the event I would have a break down. After a while this led to Night-Terror syndrome and OH MY GOSH dude. When life sucks, all you can do is go to sleep, And some people say "Dude all you have to do is think of good stuff and you won't have a nightmare" And that's a load of baloney! I would meditate before bed and get a calm state of mind and BAM Nightmare! Night mares are when you fall, and wake up before you hit the ground. Night terrors are like when you fall, hit the ground, then someone jumps on top of you and chokes you while you try to gouge their eyes and gasp for air. It's too real. This was everyday, every night. I was ready to just kill my self quite honestly, But i've always thought suicide was kind of selfish... It can tear a family apart sometimes. I didn't want that but my life, was over. I wanted to stay at home and watch youtube videos and even that didn't make me happy this all led to me having Schizoid Personality Disorder ; Which isn't being Schizophrenic, It's really more of just not feeling emotion. Life became fearful, agonizing, brutal, and worthless. I was dead inside completely.
I tried getting into meditation, a little bit of new age, but nothing helped at all. I couldn't even smoke weed because of my paranoia, and couldn't drink because getting drunk didnt even help my anxiety. The doc gave me some meds, which actually made it worse.
I had stressed all my options. Everything only got worse when high, and naturally over time. I read that all this stuff just gets worse without meds, and the meds were making it worse. I thought I was damaged, nonredeemable goods.
Out of complete desperation I called out to a deity I said "God, if you are up there, you can't possibly want to see me like this. I can't live like this. If you're real, If you are up there, looking down, and hearing this, You can't let this go on."
I didn't have faith that anything would happen, I wouldn't necessarily call that humbling either. But within a few days I realized that the paranoia started to fade, and the anxiety completely stop. I started to laugh again, I started to feel. It felt like my trauma never happened. But I was still having nightmares...Not as bad, but still having nightmares. I noticed this after a few days that everything actually got better and after waking up from one of these nightmares i just shrugged it off instead of freaking out in my bed. I connected the dots and thought it was a coinflip whether it was a placebo / coincidence or that god was real and actually helped me.