Hey! Thanks for responding. I'm sorry if I ramble, I just have a lot on my brain and no one to talk about it with. Also, if my problems seem stupid, I'm really sorry. I know I'm still pretty young.
I've been stressing out lately because my boyfriend is addicted to porn. He knows he's addicted and he says he's trying to stop, but it seems like he watches it almost every other day. It's really affecting our sex life. He actively prefers watching porn over doing anything even remotely sexual with me. Sex is a chore for him now. Yesterday we did a few things and it was way better for him than normal, and even then he said it was "almost as good as porn." He also criticized me on things that I was doing wrong immediately after it was over. I don't think he's even attracted to me any more, I know he definitely doesn't want me like that.
It's really affecting my self-esteem, too. I don't know how bad it is in that area though, because I already struggle with depression and my self-esteem wasn't great to start with. Before, I thought I was at least somewhat attractive. Now, I find him constantly lookin at other women in public and I don't feel like I measure up. I wake up early and spend hours on my makeup, hair, and clothes, and I don't get as much as a second glance. He'll tell me I look nice but that's as far as it goes. Recently I've gained a little weight but I know I'm nowhere near being overweight. I'm so self-conscious all the time and I don't feel comfortable with myself anymore.
What hurts the most is that it doesn't seem to matter to him that it hurts me. He wants me to be positive and supportive for him when he messes up, and I'm trying really hard. But if I get even a little bit hurt and don't immediately comfort him when it happens, he blows up and says that he can never come go me with anything and that I make it negative for him. I want to be positive and understanding, but at the same time I don't think it's okay to positively reinforce his relapses. He doesn't even understand why I am hurt by it. And it doesn't matter, because his feelings are more important than mine. I understand that he's addicted and that it's hard to control but it doesn't even seem like he's trying. Just yesterday I was playing video games and he was on the bed behind me, and he was watching porn. Literally two feet away from me. Am I crazy for being upset? I don't know. All I know is that it hurts like hell and I can't talk to him about it, and I don't have any friends that would be okay with this kind of subject. I'm sorry for ranting :(