2 years and 2 months. [Trigger Warning]

Oh my god, thank you so much for your response. I cried just reading it, a good cry, of course. It's definitely something I needed to hear and very thoughtful. Through all this, I feel like I worry that I'm not good enough, but I know that I'm giving it my all and they keep me going in my darkest moments.

I noticed I was starting to get downvotes and I was getting ready to just delete all of this because of how upset it made me, until I read your comment. It really took a lot for me to get this all out there and one of my worst fears is judgement. I judge myself enough already for what happened, what I could have done differently, how I mentally broke down and lost control of myself and my thoughts, I lost my mind. I've written and deleted this story so many times throughout these past two years and wish that it was nothing more than a distant memory.

All those phrases that he said run through my mind on a constant basis. Just even the playful tone that he used, "we're such troublemakers," with a sly smirk. I constantly think of what how I would respond to him now and his describing it as "an intense moment of passion," when it was the furthest fucking thing from "passion" and how anyone could think that having sex with someone in that condition was enjoyable to anybody but himself. I've become physically sick just replaying it over and over in my mind. How could he have said those things? I thought so many times to myself, maybe he doesn't even realize he raped me? But there's absolutely no way that he could think otherwise. I go back and forth but, no, he knew it was rape. It confused me and that's exactly what it was meant to do.

I had been going through therapy then my therapist suggested that I leave my husband so I can work on myself because, in her opinion, he was holding back my healing process. Not even because he's done anything wrong in our relationship. She thought that I was too dependent on him and it would help me gain independence which would be a rewarding experience and improve my condition and outlook on life. So it definitely made me lose trust and confidence in her. Unfortunately, not all therapists are good at what they do. Leaving my husband would be devastating to me and that was the last thing I needed to be told. He's helped me get through this far better than my therapist had. I'm working on finding a new one, but I'll admit I've been taking my time. I hate the idea of starting all over with a new one and having to relive it all over again. Then the worry that this new one won't be good, either.

/r/rapecounseling Thread Parent