Well...you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't want tough love. So let's go through the first page.
Through the peephole, staring back at me was a man with an eerie smile.
I like this as an opening sentence but you have got some hella weird wording going on here. You want either "Staring back at me through the peephole was a man with an eerie smile" or "A man with an eerie smile was staring back at me through the peephole".
He was stood uncomfortably close to the door, even though it was closed I felt myself shifting anxiously under the gaze, as if he could see me.
This should be two different sentences. Split it up after "door". Also the tense "was stood" does not exist, you want either "was standing" or "stood".
The lens distorted…it, the depth unclear affecting it’s features.
What did the lens distort? It can't be the man, because then you would have said "he". And I don't know what "depth unclear" means. Also, "distorting" and "affecting...features" seem to mean the same thing here. Don't repeat yourself. Take one of them out.
It seemed normal, two orb, like eyes in the central part of the face, a nose and a mouth, taking into account the smile that seemed to stretch out past the cheek bones, almost paralyzed in place.
Oh crap, I guess you did mean the man. That's really confusing. Were you trying to dehumanize him? That really doesn't work when you already called him "He" a couple sentences ago.
You use "seem" twice here, don't do that. Find another word or be more forceful. He didn't seem normal, he was normal.
This is another sentence that needs to be chopped up into two or three.
Eyes are generally spherical in nature. What are you actually telling us by calling them "orb-like"? Nothing. Cut it. And by central part of the face, do you mean they're in the normal place, or here? If they're not somewhere weird, why mention it? I do like the second half of the sentence, it's nice imagery.
Opening the door a crack, a stream of light rippled through the darkness, the figure declared himself, a squeal of a voice, an unnatural pitch for an adult.
Who is opening the door? The narrator? The man? This is kind of an important plot detail left vague. Why does the light "ripple"?
"Declare" does not mesh in my head with "squeal". Is he confidently announcing himself or squeaking something out? You have to decide.
Stood there in a frayed Christmas jumper, reindeers prancing pitifully joyful, with baubles and giant snowflakes splotched across as if it were homemade, there were flecks of dirt across it, as if someone had kicked out at him covering him in spittle like mud.
This is WAAAAAY too long. I know poor children in Africa are starving for periods but that doesn't mean you have to go without. I could make four sentences out of this. By the way, what is the verb in this sentence?
Again, "stood" is not the right word. Try "standing".
End the sentence at "as if someone had kicked out at him". We already know he's covered in flecks of dirt, you just told us that.
I will say this is some solid imagery though. Points for that.
The thought crossed my mind that it was possible he was homeless, his face reinforced this, thin strands of mucky blonde hair fell lank atop his head, falling against his gaunt cheeks, his orb like eyes held what looked like two stones of topaz, almost baby blue in colour, out of place on this roughened face.
More run-on sentence. Chop it up. Don't be afraid, periods don't bite.
Again with the "orb-like eyes"? You've already told us that his eyes are orb-like. It didn't make sense in the first place, it's even worse that you're repeating yourself. You don't have to add an adjective to every word, you know. It's okay for nouns to just be by themselves.
You use "fall/fell/falling" twice within six words, either combine the thoughts ("blonde hair fell lank atop his head and against his gaunt cheeks") or change one of them to something else.
So are his eyes like topaz or are they baby blue? Can't be both. And I've got to say, either is a weird color for eyes to be.
His smile showed off his plaque riddled teeth, a mix of browns and yellows fettered, disgusting, signs of heavy smoking and drinking.
We know what brown and yellow teeth mean. You don't need to spell it out for us.
Wait, holy shit, didn't someone open the door? Why are we still describing this character when things should be happening? There was plenty of time to describe him from the safety of the peephole.
He made no move, no sound, I realised almost too late that I had not yet spoken,
Almost too late for what?
No sound except for the squeal of a voice, huh?
too busy observing the fellow in question, who had appeared without warning, with no phone call, no notification of a visit, he just landed at my door,
Everything after "without warning" is implied in "without warning". It's all useless filler, take it out.
as still and as silent as he was now, he seemed an odd fellow.
No shit.
I'd say "show don't tell" but you've actually done a great job of showing us and now you're telling us anyways. Have a little faith in your reader.
My gazed flitted to the object he was grasping in his left hand, a hammer?
THIS ENTIRE TIME HE'S BEEN HOLDING SOMETHING?
You've told us about his face, his eyes, his hair, his Christmas jumper, the mud on his Christmas jumper, his smile, his teeth, and we're just now hearing about the fact that this man is holding something? And probably a weapon at that? Where are your priorities?
My overall grammar takeaway just from the first page is that you should focus more on tense, and try to cut up your sentences more. My story takeaway is that you're really overwriting some of this. You have some good lines but if you left a lot more to the imagination this would flow better and keep readers engaged long enough to get to the action. You need to think harder about the metaphors you're using and be more comfortable with bare nouns--just say he has eyes. Don't call them "orb-like".
Furthermore, how is the narrator reacting to this? They've just been idly describing things like a robot, are they not afraid or wary that this man showed up at their door? Do they have any guesses as to who he is or why he's here--trying to burgle him, needs help, wandered to the wrong apartment, etc? The narrator has to be a human being, or no one will care whether he gets brutally murdered enough to turn the page.
