Funnily enough I feel uncomfortable with my partner watching porn, but raising this as a discussion is impossible "because it is normal", and "at least he's not cheating on you". Yet, I am aware that there are desires I can't satisfy for him, and things he tries with me that are a direct projection onto me of what he's seen done and enjoyed. It all seems quite, undignified and crude.

I think I am coming to learn that everyone is their own person, we can't control and don't lay claim to the full extent of their mental activities: what type they like, what they like... Etc. I've been coming to the conclusion that I have just been more susceptible to the sale of monogamy and "the one" than most people in this world. Perhaps it is unfortunate that monogamy has so heavily been engrained in us by a culture that has horribly increasing divorce rates and seemingly looser morals. We are left with the byproduct of feeling jealous, guilty, ashamed, unwanted, simply because the fairytale of someone being completely and solely dedicated to us doesn't play perfect in real life. Relationships are sold on the wrong foundations: what we can get out of the other person, rather than what we can get out of ourselves by giving to another person.

I imagine what it would be like if relationships were like friendships; you love each of your friends without favouritism, cherish their potential and understand they have their own circles.

I wish I could erase all traces of love for individuals, and loneliness with them gone. I would gladly live alone with a love for humanity and gentle flirtations, and completely surpass the complexity of relationships and their implications! :)

Anyway, learn to love yourself, see your worth and find value in relationships that is more than just the other person and what they provide. Live to your own ideals even if no one else seemingly does, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Hopefully then no matter the outcomes of your relationships, you are stronger and don't see them as a waste of your time.