[2333] The Saurikin Victim

The constable halted in his tracks. "Ya hear that?" He asked.

Abridge this and add it to the previous paragraph.

 

They had reached the end of a small canyon and were about to re-enter the forest.

Switch from past perfect tense to something more active, like simple past (e.g. “They were at the end of a small canyon, about to re-enter the forest.”)

 

The constable shouted. He pointed to a particularly dense patch of trees.

I think he’s pointing while he shouts, but breaking this into two sentences makes it seem sequential.

 

Through the cover of the forest and on top of a boulder was the shape of a person. Mud was caked onto its clothing, creating a makeshift camouflage. The outline of the person quickly leapt into the trees and disappeared from view.

Put this in one sentence: “The outline of a mud-caked person leapt into the trees from atop a boulder and disappeared from view.”

 

The next thing the Saurikin felt was a searing pain, but on the other side of his body, in his chest.

Other side of his body from...what? Do you mean the left side of his body? If so, then say the left side.

 

A volley of more arrows sprouted out from the trees on one side of the trail, and clattered as they hit the rocky formations in the canyon behind them.

Take out “on one side of the trail.”

/r/DestructiveReaders Thread Parent