I [23F] don't know how to get over my boyfriend's [21M] past crush on another girl

I would not be able to get over this, either.

People get crushes. It happens. It's normal. My partner has crushes on other women, and I'm OK with that because we both know the difference between a crush and a committed relationship.

The other reason (the big reason) I'm OK with it is because I trust him. I trust him absolutely. And the reason I trust him is that we have a standing agreement to talk about these things with each other, and we actually do. I know he has crushes on other women because he tells me about them, and then he lets me decide what I am and am not comfortable with. He won't meet with one of them over lunch without getting my express permission first, for example.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be trying to hide things from you. He should notice this feeling of shame he has and think, "Well, shit. This feeling is my instinct telling me that what I'm doing may not actually be OK. Let me run it by my girlfriend and either get some confirmation that my gut instinct is right, or else get some reassurance that I'm actually in the clear here."

The fact that he's shirking from talking to you even when you address it directly is, in my opinion, a huge red flag. If what you've written here and elsewhere is truthful, you are responding to this in a more than fair and levelheaded way, and I think you're actually doing yourself a disservice. He is well along the path to cheating, and I fear you may be underestimating how short that path is.

If you think you need therapy for your trust issues, then by all means seek it out. But I bet you the therapist will tell you that your sense of trust appears well calibrated. And that will be painful to hear because it means it's time to start thinking about moving on.

I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but every ounce of love you feel for him, you can feel for someone else. While every little quirk and eccentricity makes him feel uniquely lovable and irreplacable, there are other people who are equally delightfully special who won't break your heart. They deserve you more than he does.

/r/relationships Thread