Here's the thing, with many mental illnesses, but especially depression, there are multiple factors at work that contribute to its onset. Two foundational theories on mental illness that are important to know: * The Bio-Psycho-Social model for factors contributing to disease * The Diathesis-Stress model for the onset of illness

For the first, Wikipedia says it best: "The biopsychosocial model (BPS) is a broad view that attributes disease causation or disease outcome to the intricate, variable interaction of biological factors (genetic, biochemical, etc), psychological factors (mood, personality, behavior, etc.), and social factors (cultural, familial, socioeconomic, medical, etc.)."

Biological and genetic factors can have a huge impact, since low neurotransmitter levels (serotonin especially), low physical brain functioning in areas of the brain responsible for emotion regulation, and low physical tolerance for stress can be a huge factors causing depression. Thyroid issues are also heavily implicated in depression. And chronic pain is also a huge factor contributing to depression. Ask any psychiatrist or MD.

With the Diathesis-Stress model, the idea is that there are genetic and other biological predisposing factors that affect your vulnerability to stress (diathesis), and that in combination, certain stressors and events in life (stress, which can be biological, social, or psychological factors) can trigger the onset of mental illness.

So it's important for you, and hopefully some day your wife, to understand that this is very much a medical condition which has physiological and psychological components. And that it is a very serious one.

Chronic depression can often develop into suicidal ideation, especially when there are other stressful and difficult chronic illnesses involved. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States and there are roughly 47,000 deaths by suicide per year. And between men and women, women attempt suicide more by a factor of 3.5, whereas men successfully commit suicide by a factor of 3. So depression tends to be more lethal for men. Depression is no joke.

Primary care physicians report that roughly 40% of their patients show signs of needing some level of mental health care, but that only 10% follow up and actually seek care, much of it because of stigma against mental illness and seeking help. So it is HUGE that you of your own volition are seeing a therapist and want to get better, and it's also understandable that you kept it hidden for a while.

I can't express how tough it must have been dealing with this relatively on your own, and now to learn that your partner in life is unsupportive and willfully refusing to understand. Depression is a serious physical and mental illness, not a joke or an excuse to be lazy.

I suspect your wife may harbor resentment towards you because of her own stresses, and that having care fatigue she may be focused on her own stress + pain and find herself unable or unwilling to empathize with yours. While that would explain her behavior, it doesn't justify it, and you don't deserve to be treated the way she is treating you regarding your mental health. I strongly suspect that your wife would benefit from some individual therapy of her own.

Psychologists and therapists (depending on their certifications) have training to help deal with serious mental illness, but are also trained to help with social and interpersonal issues. I think that it can be helpful for anyone to have a neutral party to talk to about their problems and to have a safe space to talk about their feelings.

I would strongly recommend that you talk to your existing therapist about this issue as they understand your situation best. Ask them to help you come up with a plan to deal with this situation using interpersonal effectiveness skills. They can help with a plan of action to deal with this situation, and to hopefully find a way to encourage your wife to understand what you're going through. With couples counseling (which I really recommend), you would have the mutual opportunity to voice and address the concerns in your relationship, so it would give your wife and opportunity to express herself openly as well.

Good luck OP, you are in a difficult situation and at the same time you are handling it with grace and choosing to seek help.