24 hours in

1 hour away from being 48 hours clean.

I am so incredibly depressed I can't even describe it. I keep trying to figure out what's supposed to be next and I just can't think of anything that will make me happy.

Going to school? No Working? No

When I was using I had so much mental energy and confidence. I was already diagnosed with major depression years before I started using, that's why I turned to the drug in the first place. I'm worried that it will only get worse and I can't take that.

I feel like I need to go to an intensive inpatient rehab. One that specializes in dealing not only with addiction but with depression and anxiety as well. At least that will give me a purpose for however long I'm there- I'm a person in recovery. That's the excuse as why I can't function, I can't make myself happy, I can't get it together. I'm busy, I can't, I'm in rehab what do you expect.

But I am so scared of feeling trapped, being somewhere that I can't check myself out of. Having my phone taken away, losing communication with my boyfriend aka my best friend. I'm afraid of what it will do to my mom. When I tried to kill myself (6 months ago on September 9th) I spend two days in the psych ward of the hospital. My mom was an absolute wreck, and after that she would beg me to make sure I came home, that I didn't go anywhere again.

I can't imagine what a month or possible months away from her will do to her. And it will break my heart to be away from my boyfriend, I care about him so much. I know that sounds naive but I'm just trying to be completely honest. I know people are going to say to put my recovery first but I feel like it's just not realistic.

Just unsure as to what I'm getting clean for.

/r/OpiatesRecovery Thread