I [25 F] am having trouble coping with my [ 26 M] boyfriends traditional Asian mother.

I am a white girl married to a Korean man (american born but his parent immigrated to america). The thing with the money is kind of typical. If your boyfriend is the oldest son this is especially true. The children are expected to give their parents money as each gets older. We do not do this and no one pressures us to do so. There is also a lot of judgement in the Korean culture on all aspects especially appearance. I get criticized a lot for having a normal casual way of dressing. They want me to dress in Banana Republic every day. But they accept that too. But there is definitely a tendency to spend beyond your means to give a certain appearance. The community is divided into the "haves" and "have nots" and it is openly judged. It is also frowned upon to live together before marriage but the intrusiveness about sex and virginity is not a Korean thing unless it is for religious reasons (many Koreans in America are Christian). Then it is more of a religious thing than a Korean thing. Not wanting to meet your parents is NOT a part of Korean culture. When you are with someone their family becomes your family. This is not as pronounced when one person is white but there is absolutely no avoidance of the other person's family. Korean parents are also extremely stoic. Koreans have some of the biggest hearts I have ever seen but they rarely show it outwardly. Especially the fathers. Outward emotion is seen as a weakness in men. The moms will show it through cooking and caretaking. But you will not see the same family dynamic seen in a white family (sitting around chatting, watching a game together, etc. Men socialize away from women, and children socialize separate from adults) unless the Korean family is more Americanized. His family does not seem as Americanized.

Honestly his parents seem racist and do not want his son dating a white girl. This is not uncommon. There is also another factor that may be at play is that they want their sons to marry a "good girl" one that is educated, smart, put together, and respectful. If you are not this or they don't like you you will get the cold shoulder big time.

In all honesty it takes a strong person to be with a Korean man. Typically they are stubborn in their ways, critical, come across as controlling, and authoritative. But they have huge hearts and a ton of passion. You will not find a partner that will be more faithful and devoted to you. They want the best for you, to protect you, and will do whatever it takes to do that. But the money problems seem to be common in that culture and will most likely continue into your relationship - maybe forever. My husband has no problem setting boundaries with his family. I don't think I could be with him otherwise. There are tons of expectations set on the children and they are expected to sacrifice a lot (from a white POV) for their parents.

Regardless of the cultural aspect (which separating that is a bit racist on your part) you need to decide if this behavior is ok with you. Do not expect it to change. Things like this, if they do change at all, take decades. It also gets more intrusive when you have kids. He is a man you are with in a romantic way. He probably won't change. Are you ok with that? Him being Korean is inconsequential.

/r/relationships Thread