I[25/F] have been dating someone nearly twice my age for 1 year [49/M] and it's starting to bother me

I'm a bit late to the party but thought I would comment. I'm a young woman in a relationship with a man twice my age and have been for a year and a half. I wanted to address some of your concerns.

  1. The relationship being a secret. In the beginning we were passionately in love and did not care about what others thought of us. After a while we began to have some concerns since we are both in a male dominated industry that looks down on women, especially those they perceive to be sleeping their way somewhere. I was/am definitely not trying to sleep my way to success (I have two degrees, paid off all my student debt myself, have a great job and make more money than he does) but people see what they want to see and this was a growing concern. Eventually I found my "fuck it" and realized it's my life and I don't have to be ashamed or afraid of what people think. This is a bit different from your situation since you work together and you directly report to him. I'd say if the relationship continues you should balance up the power dynamic a bit and find a new job separate from him.

  2. Family can be a toughie. Initially I only met his family and would go to outings with them. I have not met his mother yet, but that is happening tomorrow. He did not meet my father until this past Christmas and it went very well. I am usually very nervous about such things since I assume people will perceive me as a young tart, but then I realize that's insecurity talking and I know myself to be a woman who truly loves and cares for this man.

  3. I can't speak to that really. He and I have been to many industry parties that we were both invited to separately, but we didn't go out of our way to hide our connection. From your post it seems like this is a big issue for you and you need to address it before continuing the relationship. I'd say you two should sit down together and you put your concerns on the table for him to address.

  4. Yes, having a 50 year old dude jive with your 20 something friends can be difficult. I used to be very anxious about this, but honestly, I found out who truly were my friends versus those who just hang around. I lost some dead weight in the friend category, but I have some very great friends who see past his age and want me to be happy. We now often go to parties or events with varying age groups socializing together.

  5. The lack of working out would be an issue for me. I am lucky because my guy takes pride in taking care of himself and realizes that since he is older, his health is statistically more likely to deteriorate before mine (although I have a few ailments that may take me out first). He plays squash and works out 5 times a week and is in great shape for his age. I would try suggesting that you two go to the gym together or go for long walks. My guy and I walk together most weekends and end up having great deep connecting chats that are very satisfying. You mentioned drinking as well. My guy likes his beer and this can sometimes bother me, so if he starts drinking a lot and skipping workouts I sit him down and check in with him to see if he is doing ok with work or if something is bothering him. Usually something is on his mind, we talk through it, and he starts his regimen again. I will say though that I don't approach it as if he is actively doing something wrong - it's more like a mental/emotional check-in.

These are my thoughts on those points but I have a few others for you to consider. It concerns me that you say this is your first relationship. I am close to your age and have been in 3 long-term relationships. Every relationship is different, but one thing I can say is that I truly and deeply loved every man I chose to be with. In my experience there is no such thing as a "normal" relationship, and if you strive for one you will be disappointed. What you need to focus your thoughts on is connecting with the person you're with and finding out whether or not this person not only fits into where you want to go in your life, but if they have a positive impact on your life. If the answer is no they don't fit, then regardless of everything you have said and every point I have made above, it is time to move on.

You mentioned being attracted to people your own age as well. You're a human being, you will be attracted to others while in a relationship - it's natural regardless of the age of your current spouse. The decision you have to make is whether or not this attraction is worth leaving him over.

/r/relationships Thread