[2559] The Middle - Prologue

General Remarks * I'm generally not a fan of prologues, I do believe that most of the time they are unnecessary and would befit from just being named "Chapter One".

  • I often see advice that you shouldn't begin a story with dialogue, but I think in this case it works. It did hook me in however!

  • I think you did a good job at establishing character through having the characters shooting some hoops, the jokes were lame but I assume that was intentional.

  • The punchline was delivered at the exact moment of Jordan’s release, causing him to miss the shot wide right. The ball clanged off the side of the rim and straight into Stuart’s grasp.

My mind might be in the gutter but this sounds...interesting.

  • >"Like Chris Brown beat Rihanna."


  • The paragraphs were all of the same sizes, causing me to skip them. A little variation might make it easier on the eyes.

  • I almost feel like you're trying to convince the characters are young by forcing too many uses of slang like 'dickhead' and "KOBE!!!!!".

  • Related to the other point, but overuse of punctuation. Too many exclamation points, ellipses and use of capslock. Gives it a slightly amateurish feel to it.


/r/DestructiveReaders Thread