27f with 27m of 5 years - gave up and said I hypothetically wouldn't marry him anymore only to find he has a ring. He's "trying" now, but I don't trust it. Resentment galore.

Read the five love languages TOGETHER, sit down and make a plan and then get counselling. Make a timeline in your head (6mo to 1yr) and DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT IT IS or tell him a much shorter timeline (ie: heres what I want to see, we will reevaluate in 3 months) and then watch how he acts afterwards for as long as your timeline allows. I think the love languages book is really good only because it really points out the fact that long lasting work is TIME AND EFFORT invested into the relationship, sometimes when we don't want to and only because we love our spouse and our life together and need to continue working for that.

One thing I am very thankful for in my SO is that he really recognizes this and always pushes to set new goals together. My love language is words of affirmation/acts of service and his is quality time, so before I read this book I would be content to be in the same vicinty but doing separate things, and always felt "pushed" by him and didnt understand why he always wanted to set goals and do more, more, more when I already felt that we did SO MUCH.

Once I understood that he pretty much requires one activity or deep discussion a day (minimum) to feel connected and loved, our relationship really changed for the better. Before I would be doing stuff with him but it was always only half engaged because I was overwhelmed with the amount of stuff he wanted to do together. Now that I put everything aside and really engage with him on just one thing or really have a deep convo before bed he is totally content to chill side by side (which I need) later as opposed to him constantly asking for more activities together (ie chances for me to engage with him). Its not that I didnt love/respect him, but for me doing things for him or telling him how I feel is how I expressed that and I felt connected just being around him rather than always needing to do the same damn thing together 24/7.

Anyways, my point in saying this is not simply that reading this book will save your relationship, because it wont. My point is that it could open both your eyes to what the problem could actually be and help him to get past his misconception that one love happens the work is done. It simply isn't true- the work only begins when the high wears off. You're meeting his needs but he is failing to meet your needs and what kind of relationship is that? I totally understand your resentment and how you feel and you have every right to walk away, I honestly probably would have long ago.

He has become complacent, and it will be hard to trust him again. But in any case I would recommend the book, it really changed my own attitude towards love and basically towards how to prevent complacency, and a friend recommended it to me because it saved her relationship :)

/r/relationships Thread