(28/F) I am afraid to share achievements and opportunities with boyfriend (34/M)

Flip the roles.

Imagine you lost your job, felt down, couldn't get back on your feet, were struggling emotionally and economically and the entire time your partner's happiness is increasing without you. Whenever you mention that you're down they say all the things you can do implying their problems are easily solved. When you put in all the effort you can muster they say you aren't "really putting a lot of effort into it". Couple this with the fact that women more often than not leave their partners when they're struggling financially.

Basically, empathize.

I say this because I struggle to empathize and have to actively work on it, I have a tendency to treat people's problems as insignificant and treat them as insignificant. It's not something I purposefully do, it just kind of happens because I grew up poor and could only rely on myself.

So, I stop to really put myself in people's shoes and understand that it's not that single problem but the accumulation of small problems, fears, frustrations, insecurities, etc. I start to understand how to actually help them and what they need.

Most of your post has been bragging (promotions, being asked to model, being independent, great group of friends, gym and yoga...all unnecessary to the story by the way) and minimization of his issues as easy to solve if he "really put the effort in".

Are you aware you didn't really say a single nice thing about him while saying dozens of nice things about yourself? You did that to make sure people would view him in the most negative light compared to you and give you the answer you really want. Do you realize you did that?

The point is, I really don't think you want to solve this. You just want validation that you're too good for him which is what you're probably thinking.

If you want to solve it, you need to deal with specific problems one at a time. The first being his insecurity in the relationship which is what's driving his frustration, you're growing away from him and he believes you're going to leave him (Which you are). If you deal with that, then it comes with encouraging him and helping him and motivating him to get work while inviting him to work out and meditate (as opposed to telling him to go do those things). Men derive massive self-worth from their jobs and while men are more likely to stay with women who find themselves unemployed, women are more likely to leave suggesting even women derive men's worth from what they earn.

All of this requires talking about the problems and framing them as you and him versus the problem. Not 'his problems' and not 'his to fix' and not 'him needing to put more effort in' but plans and how you intend to help.

If you're as individualistic, successful, popular, and hot as you've portrayed yourself to be...I think you have the capability of helping him if you really wanted to.

/r/relationship_advice Thread