I am reading Man's search for meaning (I kinda read in a hapazard way ) Viktor Frankl, honestly it is a bit of a disjointed narrative and I am halfway through, it's like an exact translation of mental thoughts with less regard to whether it would make sense to an audience, but it's good. Why I mentioned it is because it s all about the struggle.

Maybe there's more to it when you make these hard choices. Can you elaborate what's the main factor that's kinda driving this behavior for you ? For me after having taken the harder road I feel like an overthinking idiot. I think a factor for this is I have a distate for exibitionism and maybe a bit of patronizing sense of injustice at inequalities of life (I am from okish well to do middle class ). There's a irrational argument that I keep having in my head that keeps making me hate escapist tendencies, power play, duplicity, notariety and other stuff that's the mantra of wallstreet guys, it kinda seems trivial and a bit beyond my mental faculties. A friend told me that I have never seen the good life so that's why I hate it I am just jealous, I won't lie when I say I am not a bit jealous of a guy in his Lambo, but mainly can I sit on my ass and just judge the Page 3 people without knowing their side of life? I don't think so. But me being a broke hater doesn't mean there's no injustices and predatory exploitation. I understand when you say trials are useful in life but again who knows for sure. There's a passage in Frankl books where he regains an awe of beauty of nature that he seemed to have lost which kinda clicked in me, having faced bit of hardships; empathy and aesthetics is something that has kinda etched itself in my mind though it keeps disappearing with all the crap in my head.. I am without options in life. But if you are provided opportunities by family without many pre conditions you can use it to elevate yourself in a field that opens up opportunities for you to do more fulfilling stuff. For example yes maybe I am gaining valuable life stuff now, but if my family was ready to fund my mountaineering career I would dump my convictions and take that chance to climb any of the 8000ers..
I will read the plague completely for once and get back to you.. Take care.. Happy new arbitrary starting point of earths revolution around sun..