divorce should only be considered if there is absolutely no chance that you guys can work it out, because to do so otherwise would just be selfish since you guys have kids

Read OP's comments, their marriage hasn't been healthy in ages. Srsly, and you don't stay with someone who leaves you TWICE and is then only guilt-trips you once they figure out you date again someone else.

There have been studies done (I can't link them I don't think in this sub) that have found that kids are most likely to get abused from a non-relative male that is living with them, like a step dad.

There are tons of studies that show that kids get abused from BLOOD RELATIVES. This is simply just fearmongering what you're doing here. And female stepparents can just be as abusive as male ones. Often they can be worse since lots of abuse happens verbally or mentally.