This reminded my of a post I made a few years ago about my experience during my senior prom. I dug it up and thought I'd share it again if anyone is interested. It's a little cringey and melodramatic, but hey, I was in high school. Anyway, here you go:
It was a really a last minute decision. I didn’t really know what to expect, or where to even go (ended up having to look up directions). The very existence of the event put me into a situation where I would have to make a choice. I could either stay home, depressed. Or, I could go and be depressed there. But if I went, I knew that there was just a tiny chance that I may have a somewhat enjoyable experience. On the way there, I was less concerned with having a good time, and more worried about not having a bad time. I arrived at the school and parked my car. For a moment, I just sat there, watching my hands shake. After a few minutes, I got out of my car and walked inside alone, irrationally hoping I wouldn’t leave the same way.
It was relatively quiet when I came into the dim, but beautifully decorated gym- save for the thump of the obnoxious music that nobody was dancing to yet. I had a seat at a table and took my jacket off. I remained that way for another forty minutes or so, watching the gym slowly fill. Someone came by and offered me some juice off of a platter he was carrying around, like some old school waiter you’d see in a fancy restaurant. I mumbled, “thank you” as I took one. I wasn’t sure if he heard me. For a while, I just stared at a little electric candle that had been placed on my table. I think its glow was comforting. By now, the gym looked like one would expect it to, lively and loud. I just sat and watched. There were a lot of people I knew- a few I didn't. All of them seemed happy, and for a moment, that made me happy. I knew that I wasn't going to dance. I knew that I wasn't going to leave my seat. I thought to myself, Why are you here? What’s the point? I flicked my empty juice box a few times out of boredom. That’s a good question, I thought. With that, I put my jacket back on and walked out.
As I was almost out of the building, a teacher I knew well said hi to me, and I said the same to him. A couple I knew was just heading into the building. The guy, whom I did know relatively well, said hello to me as well, and I to him. “Wait, you aren't leaving already, are you?” he said to me as I walked past. Suddenly embarrassed, I just sort of mumbled, “I was just, uh...” The teacher, who I suppose realized my plight, chimed in with, “getting some fresh air?” “Yeah, sure,” I said. And with that, I walked back inside with the couple.
I ended up back in my seat, bored once again. As I sat there, watching little red and green lights fly across the floor like snow in headlights, I came to believe that this whole event was just an immediate example of a cycle that had been occurring throughout my entire life- a cycle of unrealistic hope, followed by crushing reality. Not much happened throughout the night. A girl, whom, I must say was quite beautiful, offered to dance with me, but it was a pursuit in futility, as my anxious mind simply would not allow it. Why couldn't it have been something else, why could she not have offered to have coffee with me or something? Just something a bit less… embarrassing, I suppose? But of course, I knew that I would probably screw that up as well somehow, just like everything else. The only reason she probably asked me in the first place was pity anyway.
The night continued fairly uneventfully. The one thing I recall clearly was the one couple that I could see gently swaying together just ahead of me. They seemed entirely absorbed in each other’s embrace. They didn’t seem to hear the music, or the yelling, or the chatter of those around them. When I saw them, I could tell that they truly loved each other. Despite my stupid envy, I could see that what they were experiencing was really, truly, beautiful.
I knew that I would never have that.