2meirl4meirl

Things like this always piss me off when my family and friends share them on social media. (It doesn’t bother me that OP shared it, just people I actually know.)

Family and friends that have known me for ages sharing post after post about how shocked and upset they were over a celebrity suicide. How wonderful said celebrities were, how much of an impact they had; they were great people that were hurting and needing help. They were pushing suicide hotline numbers and asking people to reach out to them if they needed help. They were posting statistics on mental illnesses and suicides like it was their job.

But you know what? It was bullshit. It was a socially acceptable reaction to the death of a celebrity they didn’t know; some unwritten protocol about the proper amounts of humanity to show when famous ppl die.

These people who were so persistent in getting others to recognize the struggle for those with mental illnesses and suicidal ideation ignored the shit out of me. Preaching compassion while telling me to get over it whatever I was feeling. Mourning a celebrity death via suicide while talking down to me because I’d attempted it myself. Saying how we need to listen to those that have the courage to speak up and ask for help while telling me that I’m making everything up for attention. It didn’t matter that I had a diagnosis (consistently confirmed by 3 doctors) and had been on and off medications for years. It didn’t matter that I go to therapy. It didn’t matter that I, am non famous person, needed love and support from those that I loved (and wrongly believed loved me too). No one gives a shit if you’re not a celebrity.

They can go to a candlelight vigil for a famous person, but couldn’t come see me in the hospital. They can post on social media all day about how we’re failing people with mental illness, but go 6 months or more without returning a text, call, or email to me. They notice when a celebrity with a mental illness is absent from social media for a few days, but seem oblivious to the fact that they literally have not seen me in over a year now.

I guess I’m just one of those people that ends up being a piece of worthless shit because of my illnesses that makes me hopeless. That all the things wrong with me means my mistakes and flaws are unforgivable sins against the human race; to them it seems there is nothing of value in me worth saving.

I’m not saying this as a knee jerk reaction to people being shitty or because I’m off my meds (which I’m not). I say this because this is what I’ve learned from their behavior towards me. This is what I know of friendship and family and love. I can tell myself how good I am and how much better I deserve but at the end of the day, I have to ask myself how much longer i want to lie to myself and keep living in a delusional fantasy where I matter to anyone. People are social creatures that need others, we don’t always do well alone, especially when we’ve hit rock bottom.

As messed up as it is, I’d love to be famous just so someone would give a fuck if I lived or died.

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