Are you me?

I'm currently at 1% productivity at work today because home issues with my fiance. Although some of our reasons aren't the same, I get the overall feeling you seem to have.

The worst (and current) recurring problem we have is me making a mistake, fighting over it, then me crawling back.

I'm very conflicted with this. Notice how I said "me making a mistake?" That's because it's always my fault, at least according to her. This is where the fight happens, because I try to explain my reasons or try to tell her the mistake wasn't a big deal or something, but it's always the same reaction form her - that I messed up, and she's tired of having to deal with me and tired of hearing sorry. In one regard, maybe I am the only one who makes mistakes, because I'm not the bossy one, I'm not the one asking the other to do things every day. She can't make mistakes because just having her around is enough for me. She can do whatever she wants, and I will roll with it. She's a very organized person, something I like(d) about her, but over time, it's gotten to the point, where if something, even a tiny thing, strays from the plan, all hell is broken loose, weekend destroyed, week's worth of whatever gone, and time is spent fighting, mad at each other - point, not living happily together.

Her family scenario is close to yours, but not quite. Her close connection is with her uncle, of which, we don't get along too well, but that's a whole story. my tl;dr of that is he doesn't approve of our engagement, my lifestyle, my opinions, yadda yadda. This causes a divide between us, because whenever he's around (we live 3 hours away only) I get treated as second class. If I'm not offering help or bending over backwards to aide him in whatever he wants to do, I'm being lazy and selfish. Now, he's got some minor disabilities so I do help plenty enough with that. But sometimes it's hard for me to go overboard helping someone who I know wants me out of his niece's life. (ranting, sorry) We are not aided financially or otherwise from the rest of her family at all.

I don't have the less attractedness issue. We've both put on some weight, sure, most people do, certainly me more-so, but I'm still just as attracted to her as when we met 4 years ago.

Like I said, we are engaged and 4 year aniv around the corner. We have a house (in her name), a big yard, garden, dog, boat, the works, a happy life worth living - ...on the outside.

I try to stand up for myself, but that just adds fuel to the fire and in the end I come crawling back anyways, so I figure, why? It sucks living a life where I can't explain my thoughts and reasons without being a bad guy and 'just blaming her' for things.

How did you pull the trigger, though? You were together 3x longer. I don't want to, but I feel I may have to. I'm wrestling (have in the past as well) with the thought that the only reason she won't leave me is because I do so much for her, financially and day to day, monthly, real world stuff. She owns the house, but I own almost everything in it.

I'm ranting again, sorry my brain is at a complete loss today and I just need to vent. I hate to vent to friends about these problems, because if things work out, I don't want that awkward feeling to be there.

My conclusion is she has an anger problem and poor problem solving skills. She'd rather be mad than do the work of talking something through, admitting faults, finding solutions, and making compromises. That's not healthy, and extremely unfair to me. These 2 issues are compounding. When we have problems, she doesn't know how to communicate well, and will either say nothing, or yell about how I'm the only one wrong. I want to fix it, because I do love her, albeit the feeling not as strong as it once was. - I understand love is work though, and there are ups and downs. I'm in it for the long haul, I will do the work. This is her first and only relationship. Her life experience is lacking at best. Her vision of a perfect relationship is the stuff of story tales. I do my best to give her all she wants, but it seems to be a one way road. That, or my best isn't enough.

All the signs point toward exit, but my heart says dig deeper. I'm afraid of the pain. I dreamed last night that we split, and it was truly a nightmare.

I'm sorry friend, I don't know if I helped you at all with your life, but reading your story felt like reading my own and I just needed to get these words out of me.

As for you, from me, in my time still hoping on - "I feel I had communicated these over the years, but not in a concerted and focused way." Convey them in a concerted and focused way. If you ultimately want to be with her, but those issues are in the way, give them all your attention and see where you two can go from there. Don't walk away without leaving it all out there.

Best wishes and good luck for your life ahead.