She's four and you are her 7th placement. Please don't take her behavior towards you or your partner personally because you are both men. But I would seriously consider if adopting her is the right decision for her. I only minored in psychology but it sounds like she is in desperate need for a female role model. My child doesn't have a father and he can be a bit overenthusiastic around fathers at the park but I know his history. How much do you know about hers? Her time with her mother, her father.. She's at such a young age you might never know, but you should follow her lead. If your female friends don't mind giving her one on one attention I wouldn't stop it. In fact I would encourage it and be grateful for the support, after all it takes a village.. If you and your partner are uncomfortable with that, then by all means make the decision that is right for her before the resentment gets worse.

Im sorry you had to waste 8 months with a therapist who didn't get you anywhere, but I would not give up on therapy. It takes effort to find a therapist that is a right fit, expecially for a child. But it's quite clear the whole family would benefit from the right therapist.