46 days clean! I didn’t honestly think I would make it this far so I want to share a few of my thoughts.
The pros? No more worrying about drug tests. No more calling and groveling to my doctor to get my script early. No more rattling pill bottle at work while I dig out yet another one. I don’t have meth skin anymore. I don’t have the soulless gaze of someone who hasn’t slept in a week (instead I just have the soulless gaze of the cynical and annoyed)
The cons? The fatigue, but the truth is I’ve struggled with fatigue my entire life and I think it’s due to a pre-existing heart condition. (Smart, right? I managed to get a script despite my existing heart problems. No one ever accused me of good decisions.) Weight gain, but the truth is that I’m lazy as hell, nothing to do with the stims. So I guess there aren’t actually any cons.
I think the biggest thing that I’m happy about is that I don’t feel like I talk like I’m tweaking any more; I can speak at a normal tone and a normal speed which is really nice. I miss staying up until 5am painting, but if that’s the only thing I lost? Then I’m fine with it. I still take a ton of supplements to help with repairing the damage done to my brain, but I can solemnly and honestly say:
I never want to try strong stims again. My problem started when I was 18 when my friend casually introduced me to phentermine and now I’m finally ending it at 33 after years of Adderall abuse. It was never as good as the first time I took phentermine anyway; not even Adderall compared to that!
I’ll keep those memories in the past where they belong and I’ll keep going forward.
Today’s victory: I almost finished editing a video at work as I’m teaching myself to use Premiere Pro.
My advice for quitting (and work, and life in general): Take magnesium. Sleep well and try to worry less. Watch JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. (or whatever will take your mind off things for a while) Most of all, fake it till you become it.
Here’s to 46 more minutes, then 46 more days, then however many more days I’m lucky enough to be alive.