Um, so, hi.. I was around briefly.. some number of months ago. I don't have much of a time perception. I think it was last fall? Something like that. I deleted all my comments from here in a fit of panic & freaking the fuck out so I have no way of telling.

A year ago I finally went to see a doctor to get a referral for a psychiatric evaluation. Referral was sent to psych in (very close) neighboring town. They bounced it back to a psychiatric department of my local (extremely tiny) health clinic, which I didn't know existed, aaaaaaaaaand .. drumroll .. they lost it. I've been waiting and waiting for months and months, getting told that it was at this person's table and that person's table, all while getting progressively worse. And they lost it. They fucking lost it. Broke down in a phone call with my sister recently, who finally informed my mother of my actual state (I'd been lying to her, passing it off as a minor inconvenience), who absolutely lost her shit and gave the local clinic what I assume was a verbal flogging. Still been weeks. Psych clinic in neighbor town also lost their shit and re-sent whatever stuff they sent before.

Last time I was around here I was staying with my mother a while; an unexpected stay after having watched her cat for a while last summer. Back at my place now which, while feeling wonderful and helped a fair bit with my self-loathing, didn't do as much for my mental state as I had hoped. I also got a cat. A my best friend works at a local cat shelter and they had a semi-old lil guy with a rough past who was utterly devastated at being locked up in a.. I don't want to say cage. They're fancier & bigger than that. He yelled constantly and would hurt himself at the chicken wire they use for the doors. He's now the cuddliest, purriest, loveliest and most loving little furball.

I'm.. not quite sure why I'm here. I guess I need somewhere to talk where I don't have to wear my plethora of masks I've spent the past 2,5 years creating. Still not feeling emotions in any conventional sense of the word, which is.. terrifying - somewhere deep down. Bah, this is a tangled, complicated mess. My brain & mental illness should never have crossed paths. Not a good combo (not that it is for anyone..)

Wish I get an appointment soon. Will see if I manage to let this stay posted here and not panic & delete it.