Well like I said it was at a hospital downtown. They have one giant generic department for "lab collections". So you have a hallway full of rooms with the widest variety of people in them from old people that have to give a urine sample to children getting blood drawn. Well the collection room is all the way in the back of this big long hallway so I gotta walk past 10 screaming children and a bunch of wrinkled old shmucks waiting for their turn in the one bathroom to pee in a cup.
This hospital is in the hood too, I mean I don't know how else to say it but the key demo in the ER that is attached to this hospital is hood rats that got shot or stabbed. So anyhow I walk through this disturbing mess of humanity back to the collection room where they take me into the collection room and hand me a bottle to collect with and a portfolio.
She says to me to get as much in as I can, close it right away and then call her to come collect it. She points to the TV and says there's material in the portfolio and says the room is sound proof. Well the room isn't sound proof. I can hear the little shit head kid next door wailing while multiple people are trying to hold him down so they can either draw blood or murder him by shoving a curling iron somewhere... not really sure which.
At this point I'm not feeling it. I don't really have trouble performing but I'm not the robot that women sometimes think men are. So I breathe a deep sigh and figure I'll check out the material packet. Touching stuff that other guys have used to spank it to just weirds me out but I soldier on hoping for something that might be arousing. First thing I do is sort the magazines from the DVD's they got a playboy in there and I'm like, "awesome, I can catch up on my economics news" and then there is some kind of made for black people version of penthouse, I set that aside... I'm not into black chicks. Nothing against them, just not my thing, I like them pale ass white girls.
So then I switch to the DVD pile... it's pretty clear right off the bat that this is 90 percent ghetto porn. Big Busty Black Babes 10, 11, and 12, Ebony Anal Prolapse 2, you get the idea. Then I see one with no pictures on it, just says Stuffed Asses something or other. I throw it in and hope for the best... denied. All black chicks.
So I pull out my phone and figure it's time to call on my close personal friend Gianna Michaels. Oh but guess what, the not so soundproof room, well it is cell signal proof. So there goes that. In a fit of frustration I throw everything back into the stupid portfolio and i hold the playboy in my hand and decide that this is just going to have to do, its an issue from sometime in 2014. I open it up and give it a browse. I work really hard to ignore that spot that looks like it got wet and dried again on the centerfold pages. Instead I land on this interview with the Zappos CEO and figured this would just have to do. So I jerked it, got it all in the cup, sealed it up and put everything back and then washed my hands. Twice.
I go to the door and open it up. No one is around but I gotta get this sample to the lab. Time is of the essence here. So I stand in the hall looking stupid waiting for the CNA who brought me back to appear. After about two minutes this massive black lady with the most obnoxious sounding voice walks out into the hall and yells at the top of her mother fucking lungs "Who's got the boom boom room? He's done!" There's kids and parents all over the god damn hall and they all stop to look at me.
Lesson here is to find a nice private rich white person place. And sneak in a little something for yourself. Don't count on cell service if you are going to a big hospital. I tested fine, but we checked one more time very recently after I had quit smoking for a year. I got to do it in a zen garden of sorts while watching some kind of romanticized porn video. There was a questionnaire that I could fill out that asked for "material preferences". It's nice because they save that so if you have to do IUI there they have your shit on file so they don't have to guess in a hurry.