[904]The Invasive Species of Fort Misery

It wasn’t her Philby at all.

This reveal isn’t helping you. Also, you TOLD ME AT THE VERY START OF THE PIECE THAT THE TURTLE WAS AN IMPOSTER.

That’s why Calvin wanted to poop.

Not funny. Find a different angle with your humour.

He knew the truth.

Usually, short choppy sentences will build tension. But when you’ve already BLATANTLY REVEALED IN THE BEGINNING WHAT YOU’RE REVEALING NOW, then there will be 0 tension. Literally none. Because I already know that the goddamn turtle is a fucking imposter.

But Reyna was strong.

Nothing about Reyna has been established. What the hell are you talking about in this sentence? I don’t know anything about Reyna. You haven’t shown me anything. You just tell me that she’s strong. For all I know, the narrator could be lying.

She had a plan.

A PLAN FOR WHAT? WHAT FUCKING PLAN? Why does she need to plan? You haven’t explained this part of her thinking. You’ve skipped explaining the idea, and now I’m more confused about her motivations than ever.

“This turtle doesn’t know who he’s messing with,” she thought.

Convention is to use italics when typing thought. Her thoughts are cliche.

From that day forward, she called the turtle “Filby” and, if Calvin was in the room, would give him a knowing wink.

Filby and Philby are homophones. Don’t spell them differently. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HER MOTIVATION IS. WHAT DOES SHE WANT TO DO WITH THE IMPOSTER?

He always feigned ignorance just as she knew he would.

How the fuck is this little girl so perceptive?

She could count on him like that.

Fair, but I’m still confused about her motivations.

They were a team.

Calvin doesn’t know that.

For now, they would bide their time and, when the moment was right, seize it.

WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘IT’? CAN YOU JUST BE SPECIFIC? Seriously. Don’t be vague. That shit is annoying. Are they seizing the day? Carpe diem?

Maybe, somewhere out there, Philby was still okay.

Cut ‘still’.

I don’t give a shit anymore oh my god, just get me to the end of the chapter.

She imagined him in a big dark room, a warehouse maybe, tied to a tiny little chair with a tiny blindfold wrapped around his tiny bald head.

Cut ‘a big dark room’ and replace that with ‘warehouse' to get rid of the egregious clause.

Finally. Something of humour. Well, barely. It’s barely there. I didn’t smile. I thought about how the idea in this sentence could be funny. I think, maybe, I’ve just been too frustrated with your piece so I can’t find this funny.

So the imposter could keep her up at night, but it could pose no threat.

What the fuck is with this shift in tense? You’re using ‘could’s’ out of nowhere.

AND THIS WHOLE SENTENCE IS A GODDAMN REDUNDANCY BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT TURTLES—at least these small guys in your story—ARE NOT DEADLY.

Reyna was too clever for him.

Great. WHY DON’T YOU SHOW ME?

The shadow child in the loose skin suit, that slept in her bed and stared at her with large white unblinking circles, was a different matter.

WHAT STORY AM I IN? I think your stories are crossing. What the hell is this shit about? Also, what is a shadow child? What the fuck is a loose skin suit? Is it a fitted Brooks Brother suit made out of leather or something? Like, seriously. What the fuck is with this vague fucking shit?

Nothing in your story has pointed to this shadow child. I’m very confused.


I will not read on. This was boring from beginning to end. The structure of your story—it’s like the narrator is recalling something from the past. I don’t want that. I was confused with the reveal at the very end because NOTHING, literally nothing, pointed towards that. You tell too much.

/r/DestructiveReaders Thread Parent