TL;DR
There is literally no way I would read on. Look at my notes to understand why.
The reveal at the end was abrupt and confusing.
Learn what to tell and what to show.
It’s good to know what your critic usually reads. I read American realism/literature. Speculative fiction—fantasy, science fiction, horror—is something I DO NOT READ. I get bored to death from the first 2, and I don’t see what’s so fun in getting scared. Take my critique with a grain of salt if you have to. It doesn’t matter to me.
Let’s get into it. The mix of genre you’ve got going on is…unique. I don’t read horror, and when it comes to humour, I find visual mediums (TV, Movies) to be funnier than just writing. So when it comes to genre, I’m definitely not your target audience. But here I go.
When it comes to horror, I have one rule. If you don’t scare me, then your story is shit. Plain and simple. But, as I said, a humour/horror mix leaves me with more questions… I guess, if I have to give you an example, something I believe to be humour/horror then I’ll throw you the Scary Movie franchise (as shitty as they were). Sure, they're more parody and comedy than horror, but they draw on the famous horror tropes. (Aside: holy shit, it’s been so long since I’ve seen a Scary Movie. They were always so bad but yet so good.)
I’m going in now.
When I say ‘Fair’, that means I have little to nothing to say about the sentence.
The turtle was an imposter.
Okay. I see you’re starting off your piece with less ‘something going on’ and more ‘let’s make the reader scratch their head’. That’s fine, although I’m not a fan of it. Because I’m shallow and impatient, I would’ve dropped your story right here. I want something that makes sense. This doesn’t make sense. But, alas, I am critiquing your piece. I’m not reading it recreationally.
The original Philby had been an albino red-eared slider with a shell of chartreuse yellow adorned by thick black lines in the style of Mayan art.
FUCK. CALM THE FUCK DOWN WITH ALL THE FUCKING INFORMATION BECAUSE THIS IS JUST SO GODDAMN FUCKING RIDICULOUS. This sentence is what I call an information overload. There is too much information about something in this sentence. Let’s parse it out. There’s an ‘original’ Philly; Philby had been an abino red-eared slider; It had a shell of chartreuse yellow; The shell was adorned by Mayan art composed of thick black lines. That’s just too much. If I didn’t put down your story with that first line, then I’m DEFINITELY putting down your story with this line. There are better stories for me to read.
As you can tell, information overloads are some of my least favourite sentences. Parse this shit out.
The pretender to the tank was the same, a perfect mimic.
‘The pretender to the tank’ is a terrible phrase. You’ve used ‘imposter’ once—just use it again. You’re side-stepping the actual definition/description. Just stick with the right words, and in this case, stick with the CONSISTENT word(s).
He lived in Philby’s home, swam in his water, and ate his food.
Fair.
He had, with no apparent effort, laid claim to the diminutive beach and charming plastic palm tree
Fair, save for ‘diminutive’. It doesn’t fit in with the sentence. It’s just not a good word to read. Miniature would work better.
For all little Reyna Reilly knew, the imposter had also taken his skin and shell, and was wearing them just as she wore her white rabbit pajamas.
Fair.
The thought kept her up at night.
Cut. Cliche. Doesn’t add anything.
Reyna knew the pretender was a fake because he still had his right front pinky toe.
Fair.
From the first day she received Philby as a gift from GramGram, the toe had been missing.
This sentence NEEDS to be shortened. It’s too long. Don’t use more words than needed.
You know what? This sentence is related to the sentence previous. Jam them together.
“But did he really miss it?” Reyna often wondered.
There’s a problem going. There’s no setting to go with this. I have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER about the location of Reyna. Where is she wondering this? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
She reasoned he didn’t. After all, turtles don’t have to open peanut butter jars or take math tests.
Again. Where is she reasoning? I’m in a WHITE ROOM.
FUCKING CUT THAT SECOND SENTENCE. What’s the point of it? The narrator—an omniscient, neutral narrator—is stating something that DOESN’T NEED TO BE STATED. So cut this fucking bullshit. It’s stupid.
Philby was a good and loyal pet for two years, as fine a turtle as any.
A turtle has no other choice. It’s not like a dog or a cat that can leave the house and hit the road. It’s a fucking turtle. It walks at a glacial pace. So why the fuck are you stating this when it’s A GODDAMN REDUNDANCY?
Then, after a weekend long stay at her grandparents, Reyna came home to find a miracle.
Fair, but I don’t like how you’re stating there’s a miracle before describing what it is. This is another one of my peeves—when someone brings up something VAGUE, it’s just confusing until you explain what the ‘something’, in this case, the ‘miracle’, actually is.
I’ll excuse it if you explain the miracle in the very next sentence.
She plucked the turtle out of his aquarium and ran to show her father, Calvin.
Nope. This is shitty. In this sentence, I’ll be confused as fuck. I don’t want that. This would be another reason for me drop your story if I actually got to this point which likely would not happen.
I gotta get an idea across. The way you’re writing this—so far, it’s passive in a way. The narrator isn’t saying much actively—this whole thing is just a flashback. I hate that. The structure of your story is another reason why I wouldn’t read on.
This one of the only sentences that lends itself to being ACTIVE, rather than recalled.
“Look, look! Philby got his toe back!”
Fair.
Calvin sat at a desk in his home office, immersed in work on his laptop.
Unnecessary details. Calvin is at a desk. You do not need to explain that he’s in his home office.
OMIT NEEDLESS WORDS. You do not need to state that he’s ‘immersed in work’ on his laptop. Be simple, goddamnit.
Calvin sat his desk, working on his laptop.
There. A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOURS.
Or maybe he was half asleep.
What? Why are you bringing this up NOW?
Calvin managed to look, at all hours of the day, like he was three blinks from a coma.
What the fuck…why? Can’t you just get to the conversation between Reyna and Calvin? I don’t care about this fucking shit.
An old boss joked that he came out of his mother yawning.
This old boss is irrelevant.
Now, I get it. You want to give Calvin some description. That’s fine. But you do not need to spend 3 fucking sentences on it. Condense your ideas into ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.
Reyna puffed her cheeks and stomped her feet. “Calvin, look!”
NOT ‘DAD’ OR ‘DADDY'? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? There goes the little immersion I had. Just write normal characters.
Calvin looked down at the turtle.
Cut down. Otherwise, fair.
There was a silence. Beads of sweat formed on his brow.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN THAT THERE WAS A SILENCE IF YOU GIVE CALVIN AN ACTION. We will assume that action happens when Reyna expects an answer.
“...do you have to poop?”
Add a dialogue tag.
You’re not being funny. This right here is not funny. I mean, maybe for a 10 year old, sure. I’m not a 10 year old. I doubt that 10 year olds are on this forum.
Calvin snorted. “What?”
Snorted? Like a pig? This doesn’t make any sense.
“You look like you have to poop.”
Fair. She’s just following up with an unfunny piece of dialogue.
“No, no, I’m good, honey. I’m, um, happy about your turtle.”
FUCK. FUCK FUCK. YOUR DIALOGUE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DIRECT TRANSCRIPTION OF A HUMAN CONVERSATION. Humans are stupid. We speak with redundancies. We speak with incorrect grammar. We speak with ah's and um’s. Including that kind of shit in your writing will make your dialogue FUCKING BAD. It’s hard to read. It’s harder to parse. Just cut this fucking shit out, oaky? Good. Writing dialogue, you have to understand that you’re not writing ACTUAL human language. You’re writing an IDEALIZED form of human language.
Here is your piece of dialogue without the human imperfection.
”No, I’m good, honey. I’m happy about your turtle.”
Not great, sure. I just too out all the crap that you had to begin with. Now it’s better.
Calvin patted her on the head and went back to work.
Cut ‘on the head’. We will assume that.
“Oh. Okay.”
Cut ‘oh.’
Reyna went back to her room, her mind swirling.
What does it mean to have ‘mind swirling’? This is a vague description. I don’t know what to think of it at this point.
She gingerly lowered the turtle back into the aquarium and stared at him.
The modifier ‘gingerly’ does nothing here.
He pulled himself into the water, paddling around with his tiny arms.
Fair.
She sat there for a good ten minutes, contemplating the turtle.
CONTEMPLATING THE TURTLE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Is it like when someone contemplates life? Like the meaning of life? So is she asking herself about the meaning of the turtle? WTF?
Then it hit her.
That’s a terrible reveal. Are you serious with this shit? It just feels so amateur.
Turtles aren’t lizards.
No shit.
They don’t grow stuff back.
This is not in your narrator’s voice. Your narrator has been neutral the whole time. And what you’ve got here is an immature voice.
She recoiled in horror.
Recoiled? Can’t you just use more common words? Like jumped back or some shit? (I don’t know—anything but recoiled) And, dear god, you gave me a big fucking tell with this. ‘in horror’ is blatantly telling me what she’s feeling. If you did a good job with your descriptions (which you haven’t) then I would be able to assume that she’s scared.