I totally understand how that feels. I had done a lot of work trying to figure out how to orient my life for this girl. Aw, but she just got progressively worse and worse. She mentioned to me possibly being together again some years from now.

Now that I've had time to think about it, unless she magically attended therapy through all those years, I would tell her "No, thanks". Breaks my damn heart, but what's the point of being with a sick person?

I'm there too. If I were to start dating again, I know it would just be more of a coping mechanism than anything.

You are heartbroken. I am too. Though, I've been through a couple long term relationships. The first two were just silly. I was young, naive, and immature. This one, I really fought for. But there is no point in fighting for someone who is incapable of loving themselves properly. If this was your first real relationship, I will tell you like everyone else here that it does get better. I'm living proof. While I am currently suffering, yet again- I have experienced this before. It will take a long time, but it does fade. You'll start to find you can't even remember what their face looks like in your head, and that your memories become fuzzier and fuzzier. Until, like me with my earlier relationships- I really can't remember that much of them, despite how powerful they were at the time and how much they hurt later.

The second long term relationship before my most recent one, started almost 4 years ago around this time of year. Today, I can't even remember any of the dates we went on, or even our first kiss. It's just too distant in memory. I just have vague memories of the painful end, which nowadays, I think nothing of. Back then, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and forced me into a terrible depression that lasted months. People told me during that time that one day I'd look back at it and barely even remember it. Well. Turns out they were right. This recent experience was a bit different, and the lasting implications of having been with an emotionally abusive, mentally ill person are worse than any other break up I have had.

I'm sorry that your first love was a sick person. That's not fair. And you're right. Life is sometimes really terrible for no damn good reason. But you know what, I use that as my motivation. To learn how to weather this, so that I can weather the issues that my family and children might have one day without losing myself. Your heart will hurt from some time. I do highly recommend therapy, to cure yourself of the radical BPD level sickness that may have messed with your mind, worse than a regular relationship. And soon enough, your heart will open up again. But for now, let it be closed. Just like getting a scratch on the arm or leg, it needs to hurt first before it heals.

Your pain will not last forever. In my jobs, I have seen people recover from accidents that absolutely should have outright killed them. The heart is unique in that beyond being a bodily muscle, it is like an emotional muscle, in that, the more it learns to bear the pain of living, the more resilient it becomes. That is the goal, and a phenomenon you will find that the most accomplished people are often extremely familiar with.