Was it abuse? I don't know how to feel

OP, it makes total sense that you don’t know how to feel. it can be really confusing to look back on something you enjoyed as a teen with a more critical, informed, developed perspective when we’ve gotten older. that’s why there are laws saying kids can’t make big decisions about consent...the law is there for a reason: adults aren’t fully neurologically developed until they’re 18 - 25. my logic is: no matter how mature or relentless someone too young to legally consent seems, why risk harming them? also, he was your teacher, another unequal power dynamic.

i slept with a 24 yo when i was 16 and didn’t reflect on how sketchy that was until i was at a party where we discussed biggest dating age gaps...and everyone fell silent when i shared mine. a friend pulled me aside after and asked if i wanted to talk about it. i almost resented them for making me think about the experience that way. it didn’t feel helpful for me to go back and scrutinize my narrative. i tried to empathize with him and—even with the acknowledgment that i was a sexually curious and forward 16 yo—immediately let out an audible sigh of disgust and moved on. but it sounds like you had a real crush on this teacher. so i get how it might be more involved process to reflect on that experience. and it sounds like you’re drawing a connection between that experience and subsequent ones that felt more obviously harmful to you. i can’t tell you whether that’s a helpful perspective or not for you, only you or a therapist can really gauge that.

it took a recent very obviously non consensual incident for me to examine my attitudes towards sex and consent and pattern of staying with the wrong partners. and i felt like it was a huge breakthrough moment after years of confusion and making excuses for others. my most useful retort when thinking about the more confusing experiences is “why risk it?” ...if you really care about a person, why not wait til they’re sober or old enough or whatever enough if there’s a possibility that you could harm them otherwise?

sorry for the rant. i just really identify with your story and background and really want to share what’s helped me. hope something in there resonates with you. my last tip is to journal. it helps me clear my head and feel like i can digest my big psychological rumination in little sprints for as long as i can handle and come back to them if/when i’m ready. good luck, OP.

/r/survivorsofabuse Thread