"I cried in a bar."
"No one noticed."
Yet you were in a situation where you told someone you got ash in your eyes.
It seems as if they bought that explanation... They probably realized that you were crying, but when you made that excuse, nobody wanted to comment it further, because you are not really sad, you are trying to get their attention. And nobody wants to start a conversation like that when it is soooo obvious that you are being dishonest to yourself and everyone else around you.
You treat others like you treat yourself, and healthy people will not take this kind of treatment.
"I will die alone. One way or the other." - Your mind is really made up about this huh?
"I will die alone". - Meaning you are going to make it happen. Right now you are creating it!! Your own selffulfilling prophecy.
"That much is clear." - Meaning please disagree with me, I want SOMEONE ELSE to change me. It is very simple to me, but I just don't want to do it! I want it handed to me!
"How do I go about accepting it?" - You don't really want to accept it. Just stop the act please.
"I'm tired of trying" - No you are not tired of trying. You are not even trying. What you are doing is making drama for yourself, and what frustrates you is that nobody takes your bait.
"I am tired of being myself. I don't want to be myself. Even though I like myself." - This is just a cry for attention. Make up your mind. We can't do it for you!
You can bring the horse to the lake, but you can't force it to drink from it.
"And somehow, I have managed to blame the universe for making me this way." - Blaming whatever means you are not owning your own insecurities. Understandable as this is pretty much the root of human nature. Placing blame outside of the self.
I imagine that frustration and powerlessness are pretty significant themes in your life. People who victimize themselves like you do struggle with theese 2 feelings.
"I have to change who I am. I need to be happy even if only for a fleeting moment" - Mind if I play my tiny violin to theese lyrics?
Where did your determination go? Before you said things like "I will" and "one way or the other". Very powerful approach to negativity. But when it comes to change and reaching out for happiness, the will is not there to support theese desires.
"But the problem with changing who you are is the fact that you die." - Come on... You don't die... You have all of your accumulated wisdom and all your memories. That will not go away. You are being very dramatic I think.
"I have to work up the courage" - procrastination... Just do it!
"to murder myself in order to come out less broken" - You phrased this sentance like you did, so that people are likely to pity you. Then when they do pity you, you can make a scene and blame them for doing so! How dare they suggest that you need help? That wasn't what you said at all. You were totally not saying that you were likely to self harm or something worse. THEY were not listening to you! Why else would they say such things! - And then you feel frustrated and powerless agian. And this time it's definately their fault! (not really)
You can't have a rebirth without death. - interesting this is. I could be a fool for even commenting it, because this sentance can soooo easily mean a lot of different things, so if people comment this there are many routes you can take with it to dominate how this situation or conversation unfolds.
All of this "drama" reminds me of myself when I'm in my borderline mind.
Most borderliners are also narcissists.
Why don't you take the passion with which you reach out for negativity and focus it towards something that would actually make you feel worthy for a change.
I think you fear successfully manifesting change within yourself, because you are so used to create your own doom.
If you become happy, and stop doomsaying, you will have a lot of free time in your hands. And you have NO CLUE as to what to do with it. You probably forgot how to be happy.
There's a song about this tho and it spells it out pretty simply.
Being optimistic probably pisses you off..
Funny how your title to this is "Acceptance" when all you do is reinforce your dissotiation with you better self.
Pain inspires insight. Part of maturing and growin up.
Why did I even bother writing all this... As if you are going to listen to what I say. You don't want the truth. You want drama!