According to this flat Earther, NASA is even more impressive than I thought

One day I was in IKEA looking for a good sofa to jerk off on. I hoped on each sofa and took my dick out and started to stroke it. I had my favorite porn playing in the background(Not revealing what it was because it's kinda weird). I went up and down my cock until I was ready to blow my load. I managed to stop before the floodgates broke loose. The store wasn't very busy this day so I didn’t get kicked out. After my session, I went to the restaurant inside IKEA and had some famous Swedish meatballs. The meatballs were subpar and gave me a slightly upset stomach. I didn’t think much of it, and I went back to shopping. I sat on the couch beat my meat and got off. This routine went on for a while because had high requirements for my couch. It had to be under 5000 dollars and the seat had to be comfortable for my bottom. It couldn’t be too prickly or too cold. After hours of wanking, I finally settled on a couch. The sofa was perfect. The seat was made out of smooth and thick fabric. I decided that I should reward myself and let it all out. It turns out that a lot of teasing can weaken a man’s penis and allow for a quick and far cumshot. I got cum all over the floor and the table that was sitting in front of the sofa. At this point, I had mixed emotions. I did not know if I should be proud f such a large cumshot or if I should be ashamed for making such a mess. The store was nearly abandoned, but one old couple walked by as I pulled my pants up. They saw the mess that I had made but did not assume that the white liquid was cum. The couple called management over to clean the mess because the couple wanted to buy the sofa as well. A couple workers came over to clean it up and asked what had spilled. I beat around the bush until the workers noticed that there were no cups or trash cans present near the sofa. Then one of the employees had a disgusted look on their face. The employees excused themselves to the corner of one aisle and had a discussion. The came back and asked, “sir is this your cum”. I was young and scared so I responded yes. Then the employee ran out and got the entire staff into the store. They got gloves and a mask and cleaned it all up. Then the manager came and checked the security camera footage. There I was with my phone on a porn website and beating my meat hard. The manager looked deeper into the camera footage and found that I had sat on all the couches butt-naked and jerked off. To make matters worse, one of the couches I had fapped on had a small turd on it that came from my meatballs earlier. The manager said that I had to pay for all the damn couches and that I was banned from all IKEAs. I was invited to his office to discuss plans to pay off the couches. The bill was over 200k dollars since I many couches and had to pay numerous fines. I did not have that kind of money available so, the manager made me pay 50k up front and took some land I owned to get the rest of my money. On the bright side, I get to keep all the couches that I sat on. My house is not that big and cannot hold that many couches so I had to get rid of them all.

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