I just wanted to share that this post and everyone in the comments have made me feel incredibly seen.
I struggle HARD with imposter syndrome, for the same reasons as I imagine many others on this thread. Part of me feels like it's main reason I have a strong drive to achieve. I also think it comes at the cost of making all my achievements feel hollow. Any pride I feel in my success is short lived, quickly replaced by the familiar feeling of terror that I will inevitably be found out. Of the day I'm finally tossed out on the street. Stripped of my high salary, fancy title, achievements, and anything else I identify with to counteract the deep shame I feel inside.
I've begun to explore ideas about learning to understand and cater to my strengths, rather than simply feeling like I am offsetting all my weaknesses. I absolutely believe that if we learn to fucking trust ourselves, and start appreciating the natural rhythms with which our minds actually work, we wouldn't only achieve we would thrive. In fact, I've recently had success in this very area. When I found myself procrastinating to the point I slowed to a useless crawl, I'd go and do something else like fold towels or other chores around the house (I work at home). The break helps me get unstuck, and the simple mindless chores also just let my brain more easily think through a problem I'm trying to solve. I guess folding towels is kind of like my fidget spinner. I find that despite working less hours sitting at my desk, my overall output at work actually increases. A big factor there is that I don't put myself under so much pressure and stress. Stress and the fear of failure are probably the biggest reasons I procrastinate to begin with. To top it all off, because I'm incrementally knocking off tasks as a distraction, I end up not feeling so behind and overwhelmed at home. This makes my work life less stressful, my home life less stressful, and then I start to settle into a beautiful cycle in which I'm feeding off the positive choices for I make for myself, rather than making negative ones while I live in fear.
So far I've unable to make it last. Despite everything above, this little shred of doubt remains in the back of my mind. "How do you justify spending 2 hours at your desk, you're paid for 8! You're willfully stealing from decent people who pay you for your service. They don't pay you to do your chores, you evil dishonest fuck!". Eventually life does catch up to me, things get busy, and I get overwhelmed. When that happens, I find myself getting stressed, dropping the ball. Instead of calmly and comfortably cranking out high quality work on my own schedule at my own pace, I'm anxiously and frantically scrambling to meet a deadline. The doubt in the back of my mind is now very much in the front. I just KNOW that this has all happened because I let myself off the hook. I took my eye off the ball. I stopped being vigilant, failing to ensure that I'm always compensating for my deficiencies. I fooled myself into trusting myself yet again, because you know what? I'm actually stupid as fuck. I'm lazy, and deceitful. It's arrogant to have ever called myself "high-achieving" in the first place. What an embarrassing joke I am. It's only a matter of time before everyone else sees it.
Can I put out something beautiful in 2 hours that may take someone else 8, or even 40. Yes, without question. Here's the thing, I have no idea when that 2 hours will be. I hope it shows up when I need it, and it usually does, but I just never know. That means while I'm sitting around waiting for inspiration to strike I'm also going to beat myself up for using "inspiration" to justify being a lazy piece of shit who deludes himself into thinking that playing video games will actually makes him work harder and faster. And the cycle continues.
I just try to take it one day at a time...