You're right. I was never saying that those feelings are all it takes to make someone a murder. Otherwise, everyone who feels those things would be one. I was just saying that it's completely possible that those feelings were there, given all the other evidence. It definitely takes a special type of character and thinking style to turn those feelings into murder. It's kinda like car fuel. Lot's of cars take the same fuel, but only a really special car can utilize it to go 0-60 in 3 seconds. My point was just that it's possible and even pretty likely that the fuel was there.
When my ex left me, I had homicidal ideation. It was kind of an extreme case, though, because my first love also happened to last 10 years with a girl who I (and my therapist) believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the usual patterns of behavior of people with BPD is running away from relationships. So, here's this person who I lived with for 10 years and is my best friend, and literally one day she just decides to leave, and cuts me off completely. She just becomes a different person, and I become a different person to her, literally overnight. Can you imagine seeing your best friend every day for 10 years, all the things you've shared, all the thoughts, all the energy and emotion, and then one day they just run off. She promised she wouldn't date anyone I knew from our social circle, then starts dating my closest friend from our social circle (not my actual best friend, who was outside of our normal circle). She also stole my dog. And, after a few weeks, she severed communication completely, leaving me with all these reason's that I can't address because she's gone. It's been 2 years and 4 months since I moved out and it still hurts. In fact, I had to be put on medication because it got to the point that I think I was suffering from PTSD. I was having nightmares every single night. I was in a constant state of very intense anxiety. The kind that makes you nauseous if you try to eat. I think I spent the first year of the breakup in bed. So, I don't know where I'd be if I weren't on medication - MAOI antidepressants, btw, not antipsychotics or anything like that. Even recently, I was speaking to my therapist about it, and she finally understood what had happened, and she said "Wow, that must be really hard for you." and I said "It was." and she said "No, it must still be really hard for you." So, even a mental health professional understands that after two years it's still hard to deal with. This isn't an analogy, it really felt like my best friend both killed herself and became a murderer who murdered herself. Not only that, but I spent years in pain. It's kind of hard not to blame the person that is the cause of the pain, and seems like they murdered your best friend and became a murderer, even if they have the "right" to be an individual.
I think I've gone far enough that this no longer has anything to do with the case. But, once I get started it's hard to stop because I never had a meaningful outlet for any of this. Anyway, after two years I speak to her, and I say a bunch of stuff, and she's like "Why didn't we ever talk about any of this?" after saying that she had to leave. It becomes apparent that she had no idea what was going on in our relationship. Yet, when she left me, she kept claiming we had spoken about everything, which was incredibly frustrating (understatement). Now, she's asking "Why didn't we ever talk about these things?" - the very things I was trying to talk to her about. She couldn't even understand that she took my dog. Then, when I convince her that she did, she actually wants to give me the dog back. However, next time I speak to her, she's forgotten everything we've spoken about and resets to her former positions. Like look at this shit:
"I want to help you to somehow move on from me. I thought maybe talking would help but obviously it is too painful. I am sorry that you have to go through so much pain. It makes me feel terrible and sad. We lost our relationship, and that is always sad, for anyone. I am hoping that through this email we can start a dialogue."
Then, two weeks later after exchanging 1 or 2 emails:
"I don't know what to say to you. I do not want to talk on the phone. What is going to come of all of this? Do you see anything good coming from all of this ["this" being the dialogue that she suggested]? I am reading all of your emails. At least you can know that you are being heard. maybe I am just an empty box. I do not feel much and I dont have much to say. I hear what you say and i can either acknowledge that it is true, or makes sense, or think that it seems off and is wrong. Either way doesnt make much difference to me anymore. It is hard to get a real response from me emotionally. [two weeks earlier - It makes me feel terrible and sad.]"
Then, after admitting that she did take my dog, she goes back to ignoring me. Last time we spoke, I felt like I made a ton of sense and I said "Okay, why don't you call me next time." and she said "Fine." But, I think the truth was too threatening to her current life so she just had to cut me off again. I could go on and on about her, even more than I already have.
Anyway, I think the reason I started talking about this was that I was trying to set the stage for how I felt and just went overboard. So, yes, deserving it definitely comes into play. But, for me, it was more like she robbed me of years, caused me years of pain, ground my life to halt, destroyed a friendship, a romance, started fucking a dude I know, took my dog. She didn't live up to what it means to spend 10 years with another person. And, it never felt like her own feelings or reasons for leaving came close to what it meant for me. It's like, sure, she has the right to leave, but if she does then I have no choice but to feel this pain. And, if her reasons for leaving don't even come close to what her leaving means to me - the destruction of my idea of love and friendship - then I don't really respect her autonomy.
So, yeah, it's feelings like that allow a person to suspend sympathy. Also, it's like, if she didn't value friendship and love whatsoever, then she's worthless anyway.
I'm just trying to describe my feelings, not my thought processes. I don't actually believe any of this stuff. These are just feelings that have temporarily crossed my mind. I've felt a ton of things. At times, I've felt really bad for her.
Now, I'm back to being pretty frustrated. After feeling like I was making progress. After feeling like I might get to see my dog, she's back to completely ignoring me, shutting that all down. It feels a lot like that I am being controlled because it's very hard not to feel things in response to things she does. There's this idea that people can just control their emotions or stop caring, and it's not true. It's not that I think she's an extension of me; it's that after spending so much time with her, we are linked. The way people like to think about it is that we're two independent people, so she has the right (and I'm not saying she doesn't) to go do whatever she wants, and since I'm an individual, I should just get over her. But, it's not that simple. There is a bond. Can you imagine how much grey matter is devoted to her? How pleasure centers are wired up to my idea of her? Her presence used to provide me with pleasure and calm and togetherness. My brain was wired to feel that way, since I was 19. We broke up when I was 29. Imagine all the rewiring my brain has to do. Imagine how all of this circuitry that is built around her no longer has a purpose. I don't even think of it that way. I just think it's impossible not to feel a million nightmarish things when someone leaves you like she did. So, when there's that connection, it's not so much her just being independent. She's not independent. We were bonded. So, when she chooses herself, she's controlling me because there's nothing I can do but be devastated. And, I'm doing my best to get over her, trying not to think about what I'm talking about.
Obviously, it's not working that well. Anyway, I did have some homicidal ideation a long while ago, also plenty of suicidal ideation. It was never anything I planned on doing, but they both crossed my mind, more suicidal than homicidal. Committing suicide in front of her was probably the most compelling idea. It never felt like I owned her though. It was more like she owed (yes, owed) me a lot more than she gave me, so she deserved this or that. Yeah, it's that idea of "deserving" something. It's a weird idea if you think about it.