Adult with autism here. I personally find it extremely difficult to identify certain personality traits in people. Ex: “So-and-so is very manipulative.” I always think, “really? How? What even is ‘manipulation’ anyway? Does anyone else feel this way?

I hope you're not being sarcastic :) I wrote it for another OP so it may not make complete sense. And It's not edited.

I feel bad for you. I can only imagine how frustrating it all is.

"Still, it bothers me that I'm this isolated while not wanting to be. It didn't use to bother me this intensely. I guess now that I feel like I'm actually trying I should be seeing results".

I wish I could understand what "trying" means to you. Masking? Mimicking? Being aware or thoughtful of your behavior? Changing your behavior? The thing is, if success in social interactions only required you to "try" you would had been successful from the beginning. Humans, including many with ASD are self aware enough to see the situation clearly, they still have the inability to change their behavior. I've experienced it, a constant cycle where nothing ever really changes. The frustration this causes often turns to blame, "I can't change, so everyone else has to change". Well, everyone else can't and won't change. Even NTs who understand the nature of those with ASD and know offenses, hurts, rudeness, arrogance etc is/are unintentional... Its impossible to turn off our emotions. If one's behavior is coming across as arrogant, there's an emotional response to this. I don't like arrogance, the behavior really bothers me. If the person is arrogant or not doesn't matter, the behavior is upsetting. It doesn't help to say "I'm not arrogant, I just act arrogant, you have to accept me".

I can see why many with ASD possibly think "You understand I can't control this, but you can control the way you respond". Well, not really because we can't turn off our emotions. Sure we can be understanding, accepting, patient, but rude is rude, and not pleasant, intentional or not. Just like those with ASD, we can't control it.

So what comes next? Many with ASD may think "OK fine, if I can't change and you won't change, I'll act just like you", by masking and mimicking, "I'll do all the things you do". Well, this doesn't always work either. It's hard explain, but often when someone isn't being genuine, it's obvious. Not in the sense "oh that's so fake", but more like..."something is off here, something isn't natural, I don't know what, I can't put my finger on it, but I can't trust this person". Now? Still no acceptance

Many with ASD possibly feel "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, NTs are just terrible, hateful, cruel, people". .

So what happens next? The primal brain gets fired up. To our primal brain, not being accepted into the group means death. Social nonacceptance activates the same part of our primal brain as death... Fight or flight.

/r/aspergers Thread Parent