[Advice] Boyfriend pushed me to talk about what I wanted before I was ready. I'm worried that him knowing I was that unfulfilled will make him insecure. (X-post r/relationships)

our relationship is great

Every time I read this sentence I know it's wrong, and every time I read on and it turns out I was correct.

What do I mean by that and why is it relevant?

It's relevant, because in a relationship, sex is not an isolated issue; it's one of the least isolated things, and I mean these things:

  1. From your exchanges, and from your narrative, it is crystal clear that you two have a hard time communicating well: You both keep cross-talking, and messages don't arrive as intended. You walk on glass. That needs to be worked on, in general.

  2. You walk on eggshells because his self-esteem is virtually nonexistent: He needs to denigrate your ex (=insecurity). He immediately drops anything that you don't praise through the roof (=insecurity). He hasd body image issues (=insecurity). This makes critique impossible, and makes improvement impossible, and will hurt both of you in the short and long run and needs to be worked on.

  3. You're using sex / no sex as a mode of conflict. You withhold sex when you feel resentful; you have sex because you don't want him to be grumpy. He punishes you for no sex by being sulky, then punishes you for not being into it enough by getting distant. You need to urgently review your attitudes towards sex and how you two use it in the relationship. This is a massive issue, and there are so many shoes yet to fall, that just by reading it I feel like I am in Imelda Marcos's closet during an earthquake.

  4. He seems not to grasp the very basics of sex, and seems to have a hard time grasping the most basic instructions/wishes connected to sex. "Touch me more during sex" cannot be worded any more clearly, really. Does he generally have a hard time grasping metaphoric speech? I frankly have no idea how to fix this part.

  5. You're extremely afraid of his emotional reactions - beyond the normal and natural care one has for one's partner's feelings. This is paralysing your communication and your possibilities of acting as a couple, as partners even further. This is bad and needs working on.

I'm unfulfilled in bed, my boyfriend pushed me to say it all at once. I'm afraid he'll get insecure and it will damage our sex life and relationship, how do I prevent this?

It's actually good it all came out; bottling it up won't help, and it might be an impulse motivating him to listen. But, the above 5 points need work, some of them rather urgently.

/r/sex Thread