Advice and Counseling - March 11, 2019

Not sure what to do regarding a situation with my parents. We haven't always had the best dynamic with each other, for reasons I won't get into here, other than there's a lot of toxicity that goes on. I do love them dearly and try to help them in whatever way I can, as long as it doesn't infringe on my boundaries/way of life. That being said, they helicopter, a LOT. I am a grown woman and married (have been for three years now), and my husband and I have our own place and don't live with them. But if my parents don't talk to me every single day, for even ten minutes, they immediately think I'm injured/dead in a ditch somewhere/mad at them, etc. The truth of the matter is that I am busy. Weekends are my only time off, and even then, one of those days is almost exclusively devoted to housework. That's why when I get home from work (standard day shift, full-time hours), all I want to do is make dinner and spend time with my husband.

I have tried to set boundaries with my parents before and tell them to talk to me on my lunch break at work...which they do, but then when I get home and am trying to spend time with hubby, or when I am in the middle of making dinner, they will text me. And I feel obligated to reply, because if I don't, they will blow up my phone with messages, and if I don't respond soon enough, they'll call me, and then I have to stop what I'm doing to take the time to talk to them, because I'm a horrible multi-tasker. And it's not usually anything that needs an answer right this moment. It's usually something like, "hey, can you help me with this errand tomorrow?" So while it's something that needs an answer THAT NIGHT, it doesn't need to be answered the second they send the message.

If I am not very talkative throughout the day, or have strings of days where I tell them I can't/don't want to talk, then they always think I'm mad at them. If I start texting and get interrupted and don't reply to their messages right away, they say, "why aren't you answering me?" Or "hello, I'm still here." Or they think they have said something wrong and now I'm mad, when really, it's just that I got interrupted by someone asking me a question or wanting to have a conversation with me at lunch. I feel like I HAVE to respond to my parents, because if I don't, they overreact. They guilt me into talking to them more and when I say I don't want to, they make me feel like I'm being selfish.

I just found out last night from my dad that they want me to call them for ten minutes every night. I really don't want to. As it stands, I have to give them my schedule every week so they know why I'm not contacting them on certain days (only because I would get no peace if I didn't tell them). Am I being selfish? Is it selfish to not want to take ten minutes out of my day to call them every day? I feel like once a week to bring them up to speed on my past week would be better, but they don't like that when I suggest it.

/r/infj Thread