Advice from CSA survivors: how do you deal with lost memories?

Just gonna put a big ol warning here, since I feel like I need to extrapolate a bit more than I would otherwise. If you don't want to read about what happened to me (that I remember), what happened to one of my old neighbors kids, and the potential relationship between the two, please stop reading...

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Okay, hopefully that's enough of a break.

So, first, I only recently remembered these things, and I honestly just don't know if this is all that happened or if there's more that I've just repressed more heavily. But next month I should be able to meet with my therapist in person so I can talk a bit more about this stuff without risking anyone overhearing something I don't want them to, since they aren't going to have the full context.

There's two incidents I can recall, one when I was like six or seven, I had to take a shower with my mother. I don't know why, I can't think of any reason for that to happen, I was capable of bathing myself. And even if I wasn't, there's zero reason for her to be showering with me...

The second I was in the hospital with pneumonia (I had to be hospitalized for pneumonia once a year pretty much from ages seven to ten I think?) And my mom decided she had to give me a sponge bath for whatever reason.

Neither incident had anything outright "sexual" happen, but the fact that my mother insisted she handle my body while I was naked is upsetting to say the least.

What's more upsetting is one of our neighbors my mom used to hang out a ton with had been arrested for sexually abusing his children. I find it hard to believe she knew nothing about what was happening there with how much time she had spent there over the years. Add on her obsession with those random pregnancy and child beauty pageant "shows" and how often she'd watch other people's kids, and I'm feeling more and more suspicious of what my mother was up to...

During one of my parents arguments earlier this year, I overheard my mom tell my dad she was sexually abused by her mother and step father. I don't know her parents (really don't think I've ever even met them before) so I really don't know what kind of people they are or whether I'd peg them as the type to do something like that or not. I have no idea if she's telling the truth or making things up. She lies about things a lot to save face essentially, so as serious as her statement is, I cannot simply take it at face value given what I know about her. (I'm not saying she's 100% lying, and I'd never say this to her face. I just feel it's important to add this for context about my mother and the situations she was in and how they relate to the the situations she may or may not have been involved with. If that makes sense? I hope it does...)

But the ultimate point is my mother has a history of being unusually interested in children and pregnancy. And it's unsettling to consider that my mother may have tried to use me to have another child or something, or potentially even other children that she was in charge of watching. (I can think of at least like 10-15 different kids she's watched while I was growing up)

I haven't brought any of this up to anyone in my family. There's been a lot of other shit going on lately, even without the pandemic. And I feel like it's better for me if I wait until I actually move out to bring this up, since I don't even know if anyone would believe me. And I don't know what would happen either way... Honestly not sure if I even want to confront her on this or not. I'm considering just going full no contact with my family once I move out, since ultimately it just feels like everyone just hates me, and they've all hurt and abused me in some manner.

/r/CPTSD Thread