Well the good news is that Mary seems fine, and you are feeling much better, so all round no harm done.

I'm sorry that your husband dismissed your anxieties and said you were being silly. He's the AH here. You needed someone to validate you and help you navigate the situation. In the absence of that you took matters into your own hands and did something rather odd. It was an inappropriate request, not gonna lie, but in your defense you explained the context, asked nicely, and it seems to did all right because Mary understood and acquiesced.

Next time though, you really need to talk to a therapist (you need to do that anyway). Asking people to change their appearance for you really isn't on.

I'm going with ESH. You, gently, for making someone change their appearance. Your husband, more strongly, for dismissing you instead of supporting you. The only non AH is Mary.