AITA for refusing to pay for a four year college for my daughter?

YTA She's 18, can't be an asshole for wanting freedom and independence. It's human instinct qnd it is strongest at that age.

To anyone else besides op, i have read her post many times and thoroughly revised my response just as many times. I have experience that is significantly reflected within these issues and there is more too this situation than just financial prudence. There's alsoan 18 year old who wants freedom but has strangely not expressed it until now. That's not normal behavior.

You are being controlling with her life and from ehat you've said you really don't want her to be far from you at all. Living in a dorm is not all parties and alcohol. It's also living with friends and having a close knit group of people. Trying to prevent her from being in an environment outside of your control is a critical overreach and it's no wonder at all that she wouldn't have expressed any opinions contrary to yours about where she ought to go. It sounds like you've established your view as the household rule for a while now. My only advice is to let her go. She has rights and ought to have freedom in her own life. You can help her get there. But you can't direct where she goes. Trust in her that when she's on her own she'll be able to make those decisions and plan for her own future. She'll be able to decide how she wants to procede, where she wants to live, what she'll spend money on, and what she'll pursue.

Taking out such large amounts of money is a huge task but i get why those parents are doing so. They want their kids to have their best chance at a stable future but they aren't trying to control what that looks like.

You have other kids to care about though and you can't take out those kinds of loans for everyone. It would just become inequality and favoritism. For now you should at least take some smaller steps to push her out there and support her own desires. I encourage you to see if there are some dorms in the city though to avoid commutes and be more properly immersed with other students.

Despite all of this though, whatever she decides she wants to do is HER decision. You can help her with it or you can lose her. It already sounds like you have very controlling behaviors because you and your partner have already decided her future long before the time had come for Her to consider Her decisions and Her actions. Shr may be 18,but she has a lot more ability than you give her credit for AND she will gain so SO much more by living independently.

And as a warning, you sound like my parents. I don't talk with them any more as an adult. They want me in their life but only under their thumb and heel. They are abusive and have use everything available to them as a tool for manipulation, and they have done so ESPECIALLY with money while wearing a guise of prudence. Prudence is something you only use for yourself though. Put onto other people it becomes selfishness. You've even gone so fqr as to say that the money that is meant for her betterment is under your control and that you are willing to exert that control over her. There's no definitive line between this and abuse. You're in a murky dark place right now and you need to get out of it and onto the good side of the line, far enough away that you can see the line for what it is. You need to beware and change your perspective. Trust your children and learn to care about what they want and why it's important to them. From what i've read here you have made no room for that in your life and she has no room to express it. What kind of relationship does that really give you in her world when she can't even express her desire for freedom and her own life around you, much less to you?

/r/AmItheAsshole Thread