I’m not going to pass a judgement here because I do feel a bit conflicted about the whole situation.

On one hand, I do think it’s terrible that your son had to hide who he was, for any reason. That being said, I think a lot of commenters are being naive/idealistic.

The burden of student debt is real. It’s a lousy system that forces people into terrible situations, and I can, as a parent, understand the idea of keeping a bad person around so my children could potentially escape the weight of student loans.

It also does sound like you encouraged your son to make the choice that was right for him. He did and now he does have to face the consequences. It might be lousy and unfair, but reality is that sometimes being true to yourself does come with a cost. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. I would double down on making sure he understands you support him, however, and never tolerate Grandma speaking to/about him poorly because of his sexual orientation, even if she eventually cuts you off.

There is a line between “keeping money bags around” and “letting money bags belittle our child.”

The only area where I think you’re an AH is with the kitchen stuff. I am not saying you should write your son a $25K check, especially when, as you point out, you wouldn’t have money to do the same for his siblings. That being said… what kitchen renovations are you doing that cost that much?

I’m a homeowner and that amount of money would be enough for every home renovation by house needs, and then some. I had to buy a new stove earlier this year, it was a nice one and it cost me $2,000 with delivery and installation included. Would it not perhaps be an option to do renovations that are slightly less extravagant and then toss your child a financial bone, just to show that you support them?

“We can’t give you all the money, but here’s $5,000-10,000” sounds a lot better than “No money for you! Guess you should have done a better job staying in the closet around Mee Maw.”