Complete unaltered text in case the post gets deleted:

So, a bit of background: I signed up for this really cool job opportunity last year, but when I got it I found out that I had been put into a special team that I am in no way qualified to be on. They haven’t found me out yet (fake it ‘till you make it!) because I really just follow what I’m told to do, but I’m afraid that I’ll be found out soon.

Basically, this all happened because of that. My job basically consists of making numbers and lists smaller than they were before, so oftentimes I’ll just cross off random shit or make up a funny number in my head. I guess I might have fucked up when I took something off of a list, though, because all of a sudden people are telling me that I can’t do anything that will financially benefit me. Turns out, this company that my wife and I co-own (I mostly her do everything, I’d forgotten about it until just last week) will make a massive profit because of one thing or another that I took off one of those weird lists.

My boss looked it over and approved, and although HR initially took issue with it, after my boss had a gentle word with them, they were convinced that it wouldn’t be a problem. That was a couple weeks ago, but now there’s an uproar everywhere about this. I saw a news article that laid out all the facts and I couldn’t help but tear up with the way they were talking about me. They were so rude, saying things like, “this is a clear violation of ethics” and that I should have to resign!

Anyways, after crying all night about that, I went to work as normal. When I got home, though, my wife, who was already there, was flipping her lid at her computer, so loud that it’s a wonder the house didn’t fall down. She told me that she had got some e-mails from people questioning her integrity in this whole mess. It just makes me so mad, that people can attribute to malice what is clearly explainable by sheer incompetence. Anyways, I had just finished an exhausting day of cutting up important-looking documents, so I told her to forward them to my work e-mail so that I could respond to them tomorrow instead of trying to figure out how my company is going to deal with this whole pandemic thing going on.

I got to work the next day and sat down at my desk and fired off a few e-mails responding to those who questioned my wife’s ethical integrity, telling them that I’d send law enforcement after them if they didn’t stop bullying my wife with statements such as “could you please explain to me what measures your company had in place in regards to your husband to prevent a conflict of interest? Thank you in advance for your reply, sincerely, a genuinely concerned citizen.”

After trying to figure out basic sentence structure for the better part of an hour, all I really wanted to do was browse Facebook where nobody cares about that shit. However, I guess that work never leaves you alone, because I saw a post by this guy I used to work with who also lives fairly near to my place. I hadn’t talked to him in a little while, and he hadn’t posted for ages because he’s been busy dealing with this dumb “corona virus” thing that people are talking about. The image that he posted was a picture of me talking about how much I stand to gain from my move. It didn’t mention my wife, but I know cyber bullying and death threats when I see them! I left work as soon as I could and went home to pick up my wife to swing by his place.

When we got there we saw his kids playing on the driveway, so we vaguely threatened them into going inside. Maybe a dumb move, but desperate times call for desperate measures. They go inside and fetch their dad, and the minute he steps outside, the fun begins.

My wife starts screaming even louder than she had the other night, saying all sorts of things like how he only cares about money, and she couldn’t believe how he was calling us out and trying to stop us from unethically getting more money. I stopped her just as it seemed she was about to explode, and then it was my turn.

With tears pouring down my face, I cried and cried about how I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me, didn’t he know we used to be friends because we kind not sat near to each other at the bar that one time, and why he was so concerned with something that wasn’t any of his business.

I paused briefly to replenish my lost electrolytes by chugging the bottle of Gatorade I keep in the car for situations just like this, and then continued ranting for another five minutes. After I was done, he apologised profusely, and promised to take the post down. Satisfied, my wife and I got in the car to return home.

We thought that that was the situation dealt with, but lo and behold, the very next week, I’m somehow getting in trouble for doing that. My boss took my side, but a bunch of people are still raising quite a fuss about it, so I’ve come to all you in order to ask for help.

Reddit, pass judgement on me: Am I The Asshole