Cruel, it's just really unfair and makes me hates this world and everything in it. I can relate to a lot of things you mentioned, including not being good enough when my mom was still somewhat healthy and active.
She's in a hospital after being diagnosed with a double metastasis. I've met hundreds if not thousands of people throughout my life and she'a the most pure-hearted person I've seen and deserves this the least. She lost her parents at the age of 11 and has struggled all her life, yet gave me her very best and always cared for me most. She's the only family I have and now I have to watch her suffer and lose all hope.
But the worst thing for me is knowing how much she wants to live, she's only 51. She just wants to live, to experience, enjoy little things, see me progress in life, be with me and help me, stay active, just live a normal day-to-day life. She just really doesn't want to die.
I think if she was somewhat at peace with that scenario it would make me at peace as well and I would not feel as melancholic and angry. She's the only family I have and I refuse to lose her