All of my spring break plans with my best friend are cancelled because of what she did. Idk how to feel trolls (more in the comments)

For me, I couldn't do a lot of basic activities without swinging into a panic mode about "doing it wrong". Even down to straightening up a room, all those little pieces and baubles and brushes. If I put them in the wrong place, or somewhere that made sense to me but the other person disapproved of, I'd be an idiot, worse than the trash I was stupid enough to think I was capable of throwing away correctly. I'd be unable to take care of my things, so why would I think I could do anything? Don't even goddamn get me started on recycling.

For years, it made me panic if someone was watching me clean. It was to the point where I'd have these heavy, labored breaths and my heart would race and I'd be on the verge of tears if someone so much as was in the same room with me while I swept, for years.

I'd ask for permission to put things away into a drawer. I would ask with tedious specificity where each thing ought to go in the other person's opinion, and then do it quietly alone after the fact even with my roommates for years after, because I'd gotten to the point where I felt like I wouldn't possibly do it right by myself. That of course I'd be screamed at, or close-fisted smashed in the back of the head if I did it wrong.

Subsequently I am a fairly disorganized person. To this day, the fear of not putting things away in just the right place that makes perfect logical sense for later prevents me from even bothering. There are so many guilt feelings stacked around that set of actions, that typing this up has made the edges of my brain hum and my ears ring.

Do I think I'm inherently a lazy person who just won't straighten up? No. I enjoy order. I have dreams about having a well sorted and organized home - the night before last was the most recent one. I insist that all I want for my birthday is a personal organizer, where I can just delegate and trust that it's handled.

I'm always trying to get better, though, and buying my first bookshelf was a revelation. I'm not a bad person. I don't do it to pass the buck or to get one over on the person who has to clean up my mess after me. The thought of reliving the "Why did you even think you could try, of course you'd be bad at this, too" conversation is just too goddamn much for me some days.

I don't think it's me as a person. It doesn't define me. But ooh, that panic brain hits and it's all I can hear and think sometimes.

Woah. Sorry this got dark. Yeah. Panic brain shuts off normal sense and function. It's not a struggle I'd wish on anybody, feeling like you can't trust yourself. That's why all I can do is urge folks to be kind to others when they falter, as there are likely extenuating circumstances when you look closer. You can't possibly know the depths of what someone is going through re: that thing they didn't handle well. You can try to help out, though.

Like a ballerina when they pick a point on the wall to focus on as they're spinning. You don't have to hold them still, but you can be that sense of "it's okay, you won't spin away" for someone so very easily.

We're all gonna need that sometimes, I think.

/r/TrollXChromosomes Thread Parent Link - giphy.com