it's almost 1:30am and I am desperately fighting sleep

I see you, OP. I have C-PTSD and I am struggling, too. I feel like a shell of my former self. I barely feel like a person anymore. I don't have the right words to make you feel better, but I stand with you in solidarity and I can tell you that you're not alone.

Before I go any further, I just want to apologize in advance if it seems like I am hijacking your thread with what I am about to say. I promise I am not trying to do that, but I feel like I need to scream into the void as well because I have not been doing well lately and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I am not coping well.

I have the most wonderful little boy. He is sweet, kindhearted, bright, funny, beautiful - all around, an AMAZING kid, but I still struggle. I am worn out from all the noise, the constant needs. I am so overstimulated. I also suspect that I have ADHD and having a child in the mix fucks with my executive functioning.

I think a big part of my struggle is that I did not want children, at least not at that point in my life. I was parentified growing up. I lost a lot of my youth caring for my younger siblings. From a young age, I was given adult responsibilities with none of the freedoms that come along with adulthood. My mother was so controlling, so possessive, so cruel that I barely even felt like a person.

I felt pressured into keeping an unplanned pregnancy by my partner. He got (mistakenly) got me pregnant without telling me. I was devastated. I didn't want to be a parent yet (maybe not ever), I didn't want to be pregnant. We decided that terminating was the best option for me at the time. A few days later he called me sobbing and said he changed his mind about terminating the pregnancy and said he couldn't live with himself if we did that.

Now here I am. Worn out, overstimulated, anxious as fuck all the time. 95% of the parenting is on me, when I was not ready for this in the first place and wasn't sure if I would ever want this. My freedom is gone. My autonomy is gone. My peace and quiet is gone. My work-life balance is gone.

I fiercely love my son and I have broken the cycle of generations of abuse in my family. I am determined to be better, to be a safe parent, and to make sure he doesn't go through the things I did. But I am deeply sad because I feel like I have spent way too much of my life doing what everyone else wants and needs instead of growing as a person and finding peace and healing in some way.

You said it better with "I will never ever again exist without accounting to others." I feel like I have barely had any time in my life where I had the chance to exist without accounting to others, and it has shaken me to my core.

/r/breakingmom Thread