This is totally normal, don’t be so hard on yourself.
A lot of people will go through their entire 20s trying to find out who they are, what they want to be, and explore school and career options. Most people don’t have it together, even the ones currently following a path. Go hop on any sub-specialty education board for college students and read all of the posts about “is this the right path for me? Should I change majors?”
Then browse Reddit for comments about people who make the “I’m 30 and still do not know what I want to be” joke.
You have dealt with many, many challenges that other people your age couldn’t dream of. And, they took president over concerns about what kind of future career you were going to have.
Listen, you’re only 20. People who graduate a 4 year program and take their first job/internship don’t get out of college and go do that until they are 21, and they still panic and think “OMG OMG OMG WTF.”
You’re mature. You’ve experienced quite a bit of life already in ways that others haven’t. Knowing yourself better, facing a life that shifted from “I’ve got things planned” to “Nope, fate is going to throw a wrench in my plans and totally send me off my path...”
It’s going to help you be a stronger, more well-led person who knows yourself and finds the right path for yourself.
Everything you’re feeling is totally normal, and the process is totally normal. Don’t let people’s facades or statements of “I’m doing this, then this” fool you as everyone having their shit together. And DO NOT let yourself feel doubt or disappointment that you aren’t where you want to be yet. Think it through, and then make a plan. It takes a strong person to get through the struggles you’ve been through, finding a life path will be a longer, but less emotionally challenging, path.
You’ve got this!