Great question! It took me YEARS to understand why I got clean. I didn't know why I got clean and I didn't know why it was so easy for me to stay clean. I had no cravings and I saw drugs at friends' and family members' homes. Piles of pills. Bags of dope. I literally had NO INTEREST.

I wasn't on MAT. I wasn't in therapy. I didn't do the 12 steps. Nothing. I was just clean and it was easy.

Most of what we think we know about addiction is totally wrong, so it's not too surprising I couldn't figure it out.

Finally, I did. Here is what made me clean and made it so easy -- one, I aged out of it. That's a real thing. My prefrontal cortex completed growing or whatever. I was at the right age. This is a real thing and scientists have known about it for decades.

Next -- a couple of things had made me use. I had been terrorized by my father, who was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He used to tell me that I'd never be able to keep a job because I was such a freak. I'd never fit in. I'd always be rejected and no one would ever hire me. Basically, everything I was, my most genuine impulses, were wrong.

For some reason -- new marriage, new wife -- my father changed. He wasn't so furious anymore. He didn't loathe himself anymore, so he didn't loathe me.

I look exactly like my father. I am like him in so many ways. I think he projected all his doubts and fears and anger onto me. I mean, who tells a ten year old they'll never be able to keep a job? He was projecting -- but how could I know that?

Actually, the last time I used right before my long clean period was when I stayed at my father's after a job interview. I was sure I didn't get the job and the fear and anxiety were too much. I used, his wife suspected, I had NA thrown at me. But I hate NA. My parents had put me in an extremely abusive rehab when I was younger and I have had nothing to do with rehab or the 12 steps since.

But a funny thing happened. I got the job. This was a great experience and led to other jobs. I felt like I was making a real difference in the world and the people I worked with -- I got such positive reinforcement! My fear of being a loser who couldn't keep a job because he was such an outcast freak was gone. My work was really appreciated and so was I.

That was a huge demon of mine, that I was too much of a loser ever to keep a job, and every single day I saw that it wasn't true, that I was valuable and valued, appreciated and making a difference. Making a difference made me feel better than any high. There was no comparison. As I said, there were no cravings, no nothing. I wanted the life I had.

At the same time my father changed and our relationship changed. He didn't hate himself, he didn't hate me. He was no longer a rage-filled machine spurting abuse, no longer publicly and privately humiliating me. He was normal. We had fun. I wasn't afraid of him. I'd spent most of my life terrified of him.

So, with the biggest demons that made me use gone, with my emotional needs fulfilled, I had zero interest in drugs. And I'd been a heroin and cocaine shooting junkie. But that was gone. I didn't know why. I just knew it was.

So what happened?

Three things. One, my dad got cancer. Between the chemo and the fear and the suffering, all his rage came back and I was his favorite target. Two, I got a promotion but my new workplace was hell, filled with corrupt sociopaths who hated me for being me -- exactly as my father had always said would happen. Three, I became very sick myself with the chronic illness I now have. The pain could be excruciating.

All my demons and insecurities were back plus some new ones. So I reached for what had always reached for to ease the pain. This is why I love Maia Szalavitz and her theory that addiction is a learning disorder so much! It made sense! I had learned that drugs helped quiet these demons so I turned to them. I couldn't understand what was happening at the time, but now I do.

I didn't use illegal drugs for long, but I used long enough to fuck shit up. Fortunately, I stopped on my own. I once again have no interest in using illegal drugs. I use the drugs I am legally prescribed for my condition, which is a really, really sucky condition.

I am not the confident, fulfilled, happy person I was during that golden decade plua, but I'm not a junkie either.

I'm hoping things get better. I know it really helps me to help others. That's one of the reasons I am always telling people how to kick with no acute withdrawal symptoms.

When I was at that abusive rehab, we kicked cold turkey and were told we deserved the pain -- this place was SICK. A cult. Terrible things happened there.

Anyway, if I can protect even one person from a place like that I'll be happy.

I hope this long post helps you! If there's anything else you want to know, just ask!